I find it so compelling that we as people think that we have life figured it out and then universe shows us constantly that we know nothing.
I remember how my awakening happened. Back in 2012 my first year as a freshman at University. I was so happy to have this newfound freedom. Staying in a dorm, making friends, Doing what i want. I was just happy to start a new chapter in my life. Learn who i am. As i continued college, things turned out for the worst.
Me and my bf at the time (now ex) went to the same university together. We were high school sweethearts. we dated since we were 16. But now that i think about it going to the same college was a very bad idea. We went in wanting to grow together and become more closer to each other but the opposite happened. My ex started changing he was pretending to be someone else so he can make friends it grew us apart tremendously. I didn’t know the person i once knew. He started treating me differently. I didn’t want to change who i was to make friends with people and that started to become a constant conflict between us. From then on , We were on/off. Sometimes we would pass each other in hallways for months and not speak and pretend that we never even knew each other. Some months we would reconnect and get back together. But we became so toxic for one another. That took a huge toll on my happiness.
Also , Most of people i met in college i couldn’t vibe with them at all. They seem to be focused on partying, sex, and drugs. I did party few times but i could never get into it like I’ve seen others do. Plus most of my friends at the time were doing things that i could never see myself doing. I understood that i was now free from my parents but i didn’t want to lose myself in the process. I just wanted to focus on school and have fun and still stay true to myself. My roommate started to despise me because i wouldn’t do what she was doing and for that she purposefully started making my life hell. She did everything in her power to make sure my day shitty. Her and friends would come in and make remarks about me like i wasn’t their. So having to deal with that as well took a toll on my happiness.
I was starting to miss home. Because my college experience wasn’t how i imagined it to be. I became so depressed. I literally remember trying to kill myself constantly in college. Taking pills. Drinking heavily. Hoping that i can get out of this. I had no one. I lost who i was. I never thought that i can sink as low as i did. I wasn’t me anymore. I always say that i was facing darkest part of my soul.
After the first year of college was done , I decided to stay home and attend community college for the time being. I was still at my lowest. Some days i couldn’t get out of bed. So one day i decided to try meditation. For me that opened up a whole new world for me. I meditated daily, I sat down for 30-40 mins everyday. Paying attention to my , mind and body. I had breakthroughs where i would cry during mediation because of all the healing that i was doing for myself. I learned to accept and work on parts of me that affected me throughout my life. Negatively and positively.
Its been 3 years and i still make spirituality the center of my life. Ive questioned who i was. Everything that i thought defined me no longer does. I questioned my religion. I’m not longer religious. I questioned my life. I no longer living the life i thought i planned for myself. I questioned the people in my life. I no longer have relationships with them. I don’t need to control my life. I never really had control of it anyways. But everyday I trust the universe to guide me and I’ve been perfectly fine. Some changes that needed to be made were the hardest. But I allow myself to just be and slowly take time to let go of things that no longer serve me. I still have my faults, and my issues. But I’m working through them. My awakening is the best thing that has happened to me in this lifetime.
I guess the only difficult thing for me is that its hard for me to connect to anyone. Most people that I’ve come across are into in talking about things that no longer interest me or seem important. If its not… social media, drama, materialistic things. Or everyday conversations that i know in reality no one wants to really talk about but their to scared to talk about that things that really matter to them.
I just hope i get to meet someone who doesn’t mind talking about who they are on the inside rather then what they want people to see on the outside. Someone who loves to talk about life and the many unanswered questions. Or maybe someone who genuinely takes interest in just wanting to get to know me without judgment. Im pretty sure when the time is right i will come across someone or maybe group of people like that. Time will tell.