Chris has been helping me a lot through the past couple of days.. It’s funny cuz I always think how jealous Ryan would get I don’t want to obsess but like I’ve said I’ve been told I over think things alot… What can I say I miss him.. And it’s not being with him that I miss the most I think I found him the greatest has being daddy! I don’t want to move on but at the same time if he’s not willing to do anything different then why would I go back? It’s not right that the kids have to be put through this and it’s definitely not fair! But when I was talking to the domestic abuse lady at the court she taught me something… So many times would be great for weeks but then a slip up happens and an argument begins again and then it’s back to being sorry and then back to being great again and then the cycle starts over! It doesn’t matter how long your together and abusive relationship is not healthy.. I hate to admit it but the abusers were me and Ryan.. All of the blame is on BOTH of us!! So after everything you know what I want?!??! I want the babes to have the best daddy that Ryan once was (still is in their eyes, hes just lost right now) I want him to prove that he can be with them by finding help (no excuses attached!) getting stable (job and home) and if he does want to fix it with me then for him to be truthful and honest (no backstabbing and no lies!) just prove all the stuff that he would just say to me! Prove it to me, cuz everything was just words before no look how it ended up – and he was right im going to get my help as well… I want to be better like I was doing! I just hope he sets out to do right and proves to the court that he is getting therapy and he can see the babies.. They love and miss their daddy! I just hope they mean just as much to him! All he needs to do is prove himself because in the end our babes deserve better than us… They need us to go above and beyond! My worst fear is for him just to skip out and want nothing to do with his kids (and me) if he wants it over then ill learn to live but I hope he can be there for them! They deserve atleast that! Ugh its the frustration of ill never know what he wants!! I hate the no contact – but I should be happy I guess, I just wish it didn’t end out like this!! God help me and these feelings… I should listen and move on but I dnt want to… I’ll be single forever who cares lol either way.. I hope he’s okay and does well – I will always believe in Him, I will always be there for him, and I will always love and care for him… But its up to him to finally give more and prove it! I’ll be praying again, goodnight world!