Why did I choose to start this cycle of inflicting physical abuse on myself?
Because I felt stupid, dumb, inadequate, embarrassed, unloveable, unattractive, hurt, heartbroken, naive, childish. Because I needed a way to inflict pain on myself and feel physical pain for being so stupid. For not listening. For thinking I knew what I was doing. For thinking I was in love. For thinking he was in love with me. For thinking he was faithful to me. For ignoring the signs I knew were there for months leading up our break up. It should have never been him to break up with me. It should have been me. The night he kissed her at the farm should have been it. But I told him I wanted to work things out, that I would try harder. I was committed in our relationship. So it started again, to take control. To know what I was doing. To punish myself for not being good enough for him, for not giving him what he needed. For not being everything he wanted and had found in another young girl. She was 16, I was 21, he was 26. I wanted control back and I felt it in those minutes. And no one ever knew.