I write this…

I letter to my girlfriend which I know you will never see this but its all things that need to be said.


I still giggle at the thought of your tumblr profile picture and knowing which one you were but holding my breath that you were the one with the cute smile and the sweet gentle eyes. To my luck you were. I could say from the first time that I spoke to you on the phone I was smitten. God you filled my days, my time, and my thoughts. Who knew that I would be head over heels for an aussie girl. When I found out that you would be visiting the states I worked so hard to save and get everything together so that I could come see you. I remember the drive there I honestly couldn’t get to my hotel fast enough because I knew I would be seeing you. Picking you up from your hotel parking lot I swore my heart was going to beat out of my chest. The first thing to hit me was your gorgeous sent. I could never forget that smell. When I took you and Shanay your friend you were travelling with to dinner I think you could tell just how nervous I was after a bit of time though I warmed up and wanting nothing more than you by my side. I played with your leg under the table and held your hand. I felt like a kid in middle school who finally landed there crush. After just a week of being together you had to go back and that was the first time I felt true heart break having to walk you to the security line knowing I could not cross with you. I remember that night I fell apart and had to get a hotel and just before I fell asleep from crying I messaged your mom confessing how much I missed you and loved you and hoped you were safe. Its quite crazy how far I have come with your mom from her not knowing you were gay to then skyping with her to let her know I was who you were dating. You my dear have been a lot of firsts for me. My first Online relationship, my first long distance relationship, the first girl to come out of the closet for me, my first real heart break, and honestly my first real love. After you left I was so determined to make my way to you and we finally realized that dream and I took my first ever steps on Australian soil when I came to visit you. I notice that when I write this to you I never include the bad I only write the good. It would be truthful to say that things were hard for us with the time difference getting to spend time together. There were tears shed and feelings of neglect but we over came. I was like a kid in Disneyland when I came to visit you I was just over the moon to be able to spend a whole month with you in your home town. It is so hard for me to write all these good things when we are having such a hard time right now. I thought I would write this letter hoping that you could remember all of our good times and that maybe you would realize why it is that you love me and want to be with me. Right now I am hurt I am a wounded dog with a broken soul. I moved half way across the world to be with you the girl that I love. I have demonstrated the term that I would do anything for you. I know that things have not been easy. We have been together over two years and at this point almost 3. We have lived together for 9 months the whole time we have been together and so much has happened. We have taken a break because you were acting different and became friends really fast with a girl who was not necessarily the best and I thought I was losing you to her. You started smoking and acting like nothing else mattered. I learned that during this time you slept with someone else. It hurt but it was like ripping a band aid off we were broken up but we worked it out you came around and you realized you loved me and wanted to be with me. We broke up again recently and it was only after that I realized you had been cheating on me with the same girl you slept with when we were broken up. That was not like a band aid that was like a bomb went off in my chest and my heart was barely still together. The heart break that I felt from that is something you have never had to experience. I know that you say if you were in my shoes you would have left but it is hard for you to know what it is like to be in a new country staying with your family not having many friends and not knowing where to turn. You told me to leave you told everyone I needed to go. I felt so lost and scared I cried so much it was decided I would go home my family knew and just before I bought my ticket you spent a night in our bed crying and asked me to stay. During that time I had been trying so hard to keep everything together to keep the family that we had together. During this time I tried to get you to love me and pick me as the girl you wanted to be with. I stuck around and you came through that night. You could not imagine life without me and you were sorry. My heart still wanted you and it took time but we finally seemed ok but then just before we are suppose to set off on this big move I found you at her house. The same girl that you broke my heart with I found you sneaking out of her place on my last night of work and my heart sunk. You swore to me you did not sleep together and again you wanted me to stay and I did because I love you to no end. We moved and I thought everything would be great you stopped talking to that girl we had distance from distractions we could focus on us and everything was good until today. You admitted to me you still have an attraction to this girl and now we find ourselves yet again up in the air. My heart at this point is barely beating there is barely any life left in me babe. I let you know that I am not ok but I do not think you realize how not ok I am. I am not asking you to save me or to keep me afloat I am just asking you to choose. I can not keep sticking around because I am starting to think you will think I will never leave no matter what you do. Fix my broken heart. Be a gentle and loving partner like you have been in the past. Be loyal and honest. Be proud to be my girlfriend help in nurturing us and help me gain back confidence in our relationship. Continue to co parent our puppy together and grow as a family. Spill your heart to me for once ask me to stay instead of me asking you. Tell me all the reasons you love me and that your sorry. Make a promise and keep that you will genuinely try and make things work because when we are good we are good. When we are tight we are tight. You are not just my girlfriend but truly something more and I want to know that I am that for you. I am simply and truly asking only the purest of requests and that is to be mine. Do not let your mind or eyes wander onto other people. Do not have secrets or conversations behind my back. Pick me and be open.
Or let me go. I just need to know that it is ok. I can not say that we will remain friends because this is the hardest love that I have ever experienced and I do not think I would honestly be ok if I left but I do not want to be in limbo any more. I keep pushing for you to go and be with her but you wont. If you are not going to be and give all the things that I have asked then it is time for me to go. At this point I do not think anything would hurt more than this but in time it would be a healing pain and I know that you would end up hopefully happy with her if I am gone. At this point I am not going to be the one to beg to stay I am ready to go even though I say I want to stay, I am talking with my head when I say I will go but I am talking with my battered heart when I say I will stay.

I am on the verge of a break down or something it is so hard to keep it together and I just want you to know. Love me and only me and be with me or leave me. I want you to ask me to stay spill your heart to me. I don’t know how much time I have I don’t think I can keep going with the way things are. I hope you figure out the answer in your heart because I am drowning. Ill save myself and go but I can not have you in my life then. I am sorry. I honestly do love you so very much and I know you know that. So help me know you love me.

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