I really hope one day I can stop thinking about him and writing about him in my diary.
Its probably been 10 months since me and my ex broke it off. He wants to be back with me again. But i don’t want to be with him. I always find it slightly annoying that he always seems to be brought up when I’m writing or just thinking. Truth is, I don’t love him anymore. I think i stopped loving him for long time even when we were dating. But i constantly denied it because I was too afraid to be alone and i was too comfortable.
I was so lonely in our relationship. He never communicated with me. He was always so detach and cold when he wanted to be. I was always looking for ways for him to show me that he ‘loved me’ or at least ‘cared’ but 95% of the time he couldn’t. Somewhere down the line i was looking for his validation trying to find myself in him when all it did was drive me further away from the person i was. in the beginning i always listened to his sweet words rather than his actions. Constantly being disappointed when he did the opposite from what he was either going to say or do. All the times he seen me cry over him and i never seen him truly compassionate or genuinely apologetic.
When did i decide that was love?
My parents divorced when i was about 13. When they would fight i remember making dinner for just them two forcing them to eat together and hopefully remind themselves why they fell in love. I guess I’ve always been a fighter. I fight for the people i love and care about. Its hard for me to let go even when i know its no longer a good idea to hold on. The thought of letting go makes me feel like i didn’t work hard enough to fix it or that i just gave up. For that reason, many people that i either love or have loved used that against me and use it to their advantage.
I can’t believe once upon a time i used to believe that love was suppose to hurt otherwise how do you know if the person was worth keeping around? How do you know if the love was real if you give up when the going gets tough? I didn’t exactly see it from my parents. But I’m so happy that my perception of love has changed. Love isn’t suppose to hurt. Love is when you can still be who you are without feeling the need to change yourself or have that person change you. Your not defined by that person. Love is not having that person be your entire happiness but they add to the happiness you already have. Love is free from jealousy, hate and judgment. Love is free from co-dependance you don’t lose yourself in them; its about recognizing how you’re already whole with or without that person. Most importantly, Love is about full acceptance of the other person bad and good.
So why would i want to go back to place where i never felt loved? I need intimacy. I need someone who is sensitive and passionate. Kind and honest. They are loving and communicative. They don’t judge. I haven’t found any of those qualities in my ex. I mean in the beginning it seemed like he did but in no way whatsoever was i ever innocent in our relationship. I know i did a lot things in retaliation because i was hurt or betrayed or for my personal gain.
But staying because I felt like i didn’t deserve better or because of my low self esteem didn’t help matters at all. It took me 4 years to come to conclusion that i dealt with so much because i not only had abandonment issues but i also had father issues and i was trying to fill that hole with my ex. I know for a fact that I’m not ready for a relationship. I don’t want one. I want to continue to grow on my own and learn to be happy with myself. I don’t go looking for love because in some way when the time is right the universe will set me with person that is best suited for me and I’m patient and ok with that.
If that person never comes i hope to still be happy and content with myself because in the end no one will love me like i will. Im not looking for someone to be my other half because i am already whole. But to share pure love with someone is quite rare and beautiful and ill wait if it ever comes. But other than that, everyday its constant struggle to learn how to love myself especially when my mind tells me different. But I’m determined. Im trying.
But to end it here, I guess what I’m trying to say is that we humans all need love. sometimes we desperately crave or do whatever it takes to hold on to what we think love might be. Just make sure its healthy form of love and don’t lose who you are to get it.