Where to begin? I’ve never written a journal entry before. I need a place to vent though, someplace other than Facebook with people I know. So I guess this is as good a place as any.
For the past 6 days, I’ve been in pain. The worst kind of pain. The kind that won’t kill you, but will make you wish for death. The pain of a broken heart.
I guess I should start at the beginning. I met her online. Plenty of Fish to be exact. She was gorgeous, way out of my league. But I messaged her anyway, and to my surprise she messaged me right back. We talked for weeks. Every night on the phone, every day through text. And then finally we met. It was December 4, 2014. We went to a bar by her house with a couple of her guy friends. She was as beautiful as her pictures, and just as nice as I’d hoped. We had a little conversation. I tried to get in good with the friends. I couldn’t gauge her interest, it was hard to tell what she thought. I went in to get her another drink, and as I was turning around to head back outside to the patio, there she was standing right behind me with a smile on her face. “I’m really glad you came out tonight,” she said. I replied, “So am I.” We hung out for awhile until one of her friends wanted to leave. So she, her other friend, and I all went back to his place to hang out. We hung around talking, drinking beers until the early morning hours. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want this night to end. Her friend went off to the bathroom, and I made my move. Sitting on the couch, I leaned in for a kiss. It was a hell of a kiss. She leaned back on his couch while I leaned forward to hover over her. We made out for a few more minutes until her friend came back. A little while later, and he was calling it a night. He went upstairs, and we started for the door. In the doorway I stopped, and asked her if she wanted to stay a bit longer now that he was asleep. Excitedly she accepted and back to the couch we went. It was the first time we made love.
From that point on we were inseparable. We talked every day, saw each other every chance we got. Spent every other weekend together when her daughter was with her father. I got to know her family well. I got close with her daughter. We’d go to dinner at least once a week. I cooked for her once in awhile. We’d watch football together. Watch American Idol and all those types of shows together. We’d spend as much time as we could find with each other. And then the trip happened.
I won a week long all expenses paid vacation to Hawaii. We had only been dating for 4 months, but I wanted to take her. I had already told her I love her and she had told me the same. It was quite literally the greatest week of my life. We did everything there was to do together at the Turtle Bay resort on the North Shore of Oahu. Whale watching, surfing, snorkeling, Segway tours, horseback riding, kayaking, luaus, helicopter tours, the Pearl Harbor museums. The food was amazing, the views were spectacular, and the intimate times we shared together were priceless. It was a week in heaven and I was spending it with the woman I loved more than anyone I’ve ever known in my life.
We came back to reality, and settled into a routine. I’d drive to see her a couple of nights a week to hang out with the family, and every other weekend she’d come spend the whole weekend with me. We’d try and find new things to do together, like the zoo, or we’d seek out new restaurants with good reviews that we’d never been to before. We always had fun no matter what we were doing. We were passionate. Kissing and touching, always providing her with a backrub or a footrub. And she always smelled so good. I could never get over how good she smelled no matter how long it had been since her last shower. We’d go on trips to see her friends in California, went to her best friend’s wedding together, took them to the San Diego Comic Con for the start of their honeymoon, and introduced her to my family while we were there.
We talked about the future together. Talked about marriage. Talked about moving in together much sooner than that. Talked about our plans together, about our next vacation, or our next weekend. We always had something to look forward to. I was moving to be closer to her in a few weeks, which would give us even more time together.
It was this past August that things started to change. She was spending more time on her phone texting other people during the times we were supposed to be spending together. She was less intimate, and didn’t want to sleep with me as much as she used to. It was upsetting that it seemed like things were dying down a bit. We would fight more about little things. Basically the only thing we ever fought about was her phone or the dwindling frequency of our sex life, but after a few smaller arguments about those things over a few weeks, it finally blew up. First was the conversation about wanting kids. I want them, she doesn’t want anymore. We left that night in tears that we were ending it over the future. That night I went home and thought hard. I went back the next day and told her I’d decided that she was too important to me to let go. And if I can have her until old age, then I’d be happy with that. I didn’t need kids. A few weeks later, we had a big blowout about the other two things, and we didn’t talk for 2 days. I came over and filled her living room with gifts for both her and her daughter. Furniture for her daughter’s new room. Flowers and her favorite Starbucks for her. She accepted my apology and we moved on. A couple more weeks and we went to an overpriced concert for a band I didn’t care for but that she loved. I got her last minute front row tickets because I wanted the best for her. We went home after wards and made love. It was the last time that would ever happen.
A week later and we had a fight about the sex again and she cancelled our weekend plans. We worked it out again, and spent that Sunday together during the day. The following weekend she had me come stay with her. I took care of her daughter and she went out for girls’ night. She came home drunk and went right to sleep. We spent the next day together, and then I left. That Wednesday she called me and had locked her keys in the car. I came to her rescue. By the time I got home, she was calling me again and asking me to bring her Starbucks and food. I gladly obliged and drove back across town. I remember the look of happiness on her face as she came out to my car. She leaned in to my passenger seat and looked me right in the eye saying, “I love your face.” It was the last time she’d tell me she loved me while we were still together. She kissed me multiple times, leaving behind her pink lip gloss, and was back off to class. It was the last kiss we’d ever have, and the last time I’d see her while she was still mine. If I had known, I would have taken my time with the kiss. I would have told her just how much I loved her too. But I knew I’d see her again on Saturday at the latest and I headed back home again.
That night I got a message from her friend on Facebook. A guy she had been texting much more frequently than before. He randomly asked me, “Hey, are you and Natalie together?” I told him yes and started questioning why he would ask me that. She had been texting him daily. He lives in Illinois, and she lives out here in AZ. I thought nothing of it. She told me she was going home to visit in a few months and that she was working him to score some NFL tickets while she was there. She said the same thing for days when I asked why she was texting him so much. I found it odd that with all the talking they had done, that he didn’t know we were an item.
I called her and asked her why he was messaging me and why didn’t he know. She told me a lie. She said he did know. That he had come on to her and asked if he could come to AZ to be with her. That he told her he loved her. And that she told him off because of it. She said she had gotten a call from a girl he was with who was challenging her and what was going on between them. She told his other girl everything. When he texted me again in the morning, I told him off too and let him know to back off since she’s with me. He replied with screenshots of her sexting him only 2 days prior.
I was sick to my stomach. For a brief moment I started at it and thought there had to be some app that created fake conversations for this very reason. I read it over and over again. The vulgar things she wanted him to do to her. How badly she wanted him. How much she loves him. The time stamp, only 36 hours old. I called her immediately, and when she picked up and said she was busy at the doctor with her daughter, I just started reading quotes from her own messages. She said, “I’ll call you later,” and hung up.
She called me back a few hours later and asked me to come over so we could talk. She told me it hadn’t been going on long, but that this was a guy she’s known 7 years and has never been able to get over. That she broke up with her last boyfriend at the prospect of a relationship with this new fella. That he always pops in and tears her world apart. And that she thinks he’s serious about coming out to be with her in a few months, and can no longer be with me, because she wants him. She said she still loves me and wants to keep me in her life. But that as long as she wonders “What if” with him, she’ll never be able to truly commit to me or anyone else. She said she expects it to fail, because he’s not a nice person, and that I was the greatest man she’s ever been with and I couldn’t have been a better boyfriend. I treated her better than any man ever has, and she wishes she didn’t have to end it, but she just can’t turn her back on him. She’d leave anyone for him, only because it’s him. She said she thought he wouldn’t come out anyway, and that if nothing happened in the next couple of months, the most likely scenario, that she’d want me again. If he did come out and it didn’t work out, she’d want me back. If it did work out, she would marry this man in a heartbeat.
I should have walked away. I should have just called her a cheater and walked out the door to leave her with her own guilty conscious. But instead, I begged. I loved this girl. She was everything to me for the last year. And I would do anything to keep her. I suggested that we stay together until he actually sets a date to come out here. I begged for her not to leave me and brought up anything nice I’ve done for her that I could think of to try and plead my case. She agreed with everything I said, but said this has to happen and there’s no way for her to be with me until she knows for sure with him. Then I upset her.
2 weeks prior I had gotten some bad news that I had needed to share with her. I was waiting for the right time. 2 weeks prior, we were in a fight. The week prior and she was drunk after girls’ night. I never had a real chance to tell her. So I made the decision to blurt it out now during our breakup. She got mad, and suddenly everything she had done was moot. It was all about me sitting on some information that was important to her for 2 weeks without telling her. It was all my fault now, and she was throwing me out of her house. She hurtfully added in, “If I was going to get with you again if it doesn’t work out with him, I’m definitely never going to be with you again now even if he never makes it here. I didn’t hear from her for the rest of the weekend.
I went home, my head spinning. And jumped right online to post about getting dumped and needing a drink, asking all my friends to come be with me. I didn’t know what to do. My world was falling apart. Now she had cheated on me and left me, but also hated me as well. It was the worst feeling I’ve ever felt, because the last time I had seen her prior, she told me she loved my face, and now she was telling me she never wants to see me again. I was alone. My friends weren’t helping. I couldn’t talk to anyone. I had nowhere to go. I was alone in the silence of my living room, trying to understand how all this could happen in a single day. For the next 3 days I would call her friends and family, trying to get any shred of evidence that would explain it to me. To see if she had said anything about me to them. It made no sense to me. Then he started messaging me.
The guy she was leaving me for messaged me again, and we had a long conversation. According to him, she had lied to him about being with me the entire time they were talking. They had started talking in April. Only weeks after we got back from Hawaii. And she kept it from me ever since. 6 months this was going on behind my back and I was oblivious. And 6 months she was telling him she was single. She told him that I was crazy, and just obsessed with her. That’s why I buy her things and take her places. It was all just to get her to go out with me. The one thing they agreed on was that they love each other and have a ton of history. He wasn’t sure anymore knowing that she was lying to him to. He didn’t know if he wanted to come out. I told him she’s amazing and that’s why I love her. I told him she’s intelligent, strong, and gorgeous. His reply was “Intelligent, maybe. Gorgeous, no. And she’s a bitch.” He also called her a slut for her habits of playing guys in high school. This is the opinion of the man she left me for. He has no respect for her. And she turned on me for talking to him, and suddenly she wasn’t my friend on Facebook anymore. It was Sunday and I hadn’t heard from her since I left her house Thursday morning.
I went off. I started sending her a slew of messages, begging her to talk to me. I started messaging her friend begging her to get her to talk to me. I finally voiced my thoughts of suicide I had been having for days. She finally messaged me and we talked civilly to a degree. It was slightly hostile, but with undertones of still caring about each other. We agreed to stay friends and I told her that I want her to be happy no matter what she chooses. That as long as I haven’t moved on, I’ll be here for her when she’s done with him. She asked me not to message him again.
The next morning he texted me, and said she was still insisting that I was never her boyfriend, and we had a long conversation, which he of course turned right over to her, causing a whole new string of angry messages from her. I screenshotted proof from her that she was with me for the last year. I was pissed. She was mad at me now for telling him the truth. This time I went off on her. Brought up everything I was too scared to say to her before while trying to reconcile. She apologized a dozen times and then called me heartless for making her feel worse about what she had done. Even though I think and hope she does feel awful for what she did to me, it still stung knowing my words were hurting her. I still love her.
That night she called me to tell me that she no longer wants me in her life. She no longer wants to try and be friends. And it’s all because I can’t stop talking to him, and because of the public comments I made about getting dumped on Facebook. We were done forever. I groveled again. I begged her to not cut me off. I promised I wouldn’t talk to any of her friends again and wouldn’t post anything bad about her. It went on for what seemed like forever before she said she would give me one more chance to be civil with her. She said she doesn’t think so anymore, but that she “doesn’t know” if she’d ever consider me again in the future when she’s done with him and once everything blows over. She said we couldn’t hang out, and I wouldn’t be able to talk to her, but that I can text her once or twice a week to see how she’s doing. Because after all this, being close friends with me, would get in the way of the relationship with him. Talking to me regularly wouldn’t be fair to him. It was enraging to hear that, and completely unfair. And that brings us to last night
Today I brought her some presents I had gotten her last week. Stopped by her house. We talked a bit, and she let me give her a hug goodbye, though she pushed me off when I kissed her cheek.
It’s a whole twisted ordeal. She was cheating on me in a long distance affair for more than half of the time we’ve known each other. But me now knowing that, only saw the good in our relationship, and it was absolutely perfect. I’m not ready to let it go completely yet. I do hope that he blows her off and she sees what kind of a man he really is. I hope that she’ll give me another chance in the future. I know I can find someone else. I know I can be happy again. I haven’t eaten in 5 days and I’m still not hungry. I can’t sleep more than 3 hours a night. If he does come out her and gets with her, and it doesn’t work out, I honestly don’t know what I would do. I don’t want to be with her knowing she had been with another man since the last time we were together. But I love her more than life, and I may very well bury that feeling and take her back anyway. If he blew her off sooner and never came out, I’d definitely take her back. I should just walk away. I should be the one cutting her off for what she did, but I just keep begging for forgiveness for the little things I did in my anguish and hoping that in time she’ll see me with love yet again. There is no excuse for what she did. But I think I can forgive her and give her the chance to earn my trust back again. No one has ever made me as happy as she has. Over the past few days though, no one’s ever made me feel as bad as she has too. In the last week I’ve gone from being the happiest I’ve ever been, to spending each night looking at what I look like in the mirror with a gun to my head. I go from angry to sad to indifferent and back. I feel sick constantly, and random triggers cause the tears to flow for a few seconds at random times. I had quit smoking for her, but now I’m on pack 6 in 5 days. I’ve also started going back to the gym and have been there 4 out of the last 5 days, the only good that will come of this.
Even now, she texted me earlier today before I came over. I texted her tonight asking how class was. That was 5 hours ago. She ignored me again. My phone is deadly silent. The few text messages I get each day send me running to see if it’s her. The silence is painful and empty and only adds to my sorrow. I hope this gets better soon. And NH, I love you so much, regardless of what you’ve done.