If i knew I was going to die tomorrow what would i say…
If you’re reading this know that i tried. I came so far but i just couldn’t reach the finish line. I always wanted to look back in my life and see that i came so far. I was too afraid to make choices and decisions that i knew would affect my life in positive way. Maybe i fought and learn to love people that didn’t deserve it because i couldn’t fight to love myself. I look back now and i constantly say that i could’ve done more… I could’ve learned to be happy or I could’ve learned to take chances. But instead i lived my life alone waiting for something to happen and it never did. I waited most of my life hoping that i wasn’t so invisible that maybe someone really saw ‘me’. I could’ve done more… Instead of waiting for people to love me or care why couldn’t i just do it for myself? Why am i waiting for something good to happen when life doesn’t owe me anything. Sometimes i think to myself when am i gonna have the courage to end it here when i never had the courage to fight for the life i wanted. Part of me can’t play victim , I allowed some of things to happen. I played a part of it. I chose to continue my isolation. I chose to keep negativity going on in my life. Im not a fighter.
I hope i can learn to be happy and free on the other side. I hope i can watch the lives of people i care about from the sky and see how their lives unfolds and that i was no longer their problem. My death will be as quiet as the life i lived. No one simply notice because too them i was always unnoticed. Maybe my dad will hear about my death and realize that the years we haven’t spoke was simply foolish. A simple phone call , a genuine I’m sorry would of changed things. Maybe my mom will see my death and realize that if she judged less , tried to get to know me maybe she would of been able to prevent this from happening. Maybe my brother will hear about my death and realize that being angry and holding on to things did no justice in our relationship just made it worse. Maybe my ex will hear from others about my death and come into realization that if i loved more, if i cared more or Hurt her less maybe she would of told me how bad things was with her.
If i died tomorrow the only person i would feel guilty about disappointing is my grandmother Joyce she was the closest thing i had to an angel or a soulmate. I could never tell her how i was feeling or what I’ve done because she doesn’t deserve to be hurt in any way. It would hurt me now to know that i hurt her for not being here.
Im always going to look back and at my life and say that i could’ve done more… But i never did and i will never get the chance to know now.