I can’t seem to stop crying. I do this everyday. Morning and night. Usually i believe that its good to allow yourself to acknowledge how your feeling so that the emotion passes. I don’t know if this is healthy. Me, crying everyday. Maybe when this is all over i might have breakthrough. Ive learned that life is constantly up and down. Its impossible for life to stay the same it’s always moving. I think when the worst is happening its best to just let whatever going on takes it course and watch it pass because it can never stay that way forever.  I think I’m suppose to go through life with ease and joy knowing that it gets bad but its get better as well. Maybe its about how i deal with it that matters most. Cant take life to seriously because we are all actors in one big play.

The way i think carries so much energy that it eventually becomes my reality.  If I’m thinking negatively then I’m attracting negative situations or people and etc. When i step out the door my perception of the world is based on what i think.  So i sometimes think that me constantly being pessimistic is the reason that i continue to cry everyday. its ME that is choosing to hold on to the thoughts. Its ME that chooses to talk to my ex when i always feel worse then i did after we get done talking.  Its ME…

I always want to go back to time where i was truly at peace with myself. Nothing mattered. I didn’t feel a need to have my life figured out. I wasn’t worried about the people in my life. It was like watching days and months pass in front of me and i was just in peace. Their is no feeling to describe it.  I always look back and say that i want to go back to that time. But I’m  recognizing that moment was to tell me that i can choose to be that everyday that if i wanted. Their no reason for me to go back to past and reminisce about it when it can happen.

I imagine packing my things and living to go somewhere to find myself. Never having to contact anyone ever again. Never looking back. There is nothing for me here. I own no one nothing.  People always telling me who i am and what I’ve done wrong to ignore their own problems. Im tired of being everyone punching bag.  I need lifelong break. I always played it too safe with everything that i do but it has done nothing but set me back to my full potential. Leaving out the front door would be a huge FUCK YOU to my mom.  Just buying a greyhound ticket and leaving. Maybe i should do it… I got nothing to lose. She will never have to worry about me again. The only thing she can do is be happy that she is finally alone and that she has no daughter. Nothing good came out of her having me.  Sometimes think maybe she should of listened to my father and had me aborted.

The only thing i would miss about leaving home is looking at the beautiful trees outside my window. Watching the airplanes become distant. I can’t stop but to think where they are going.  I want to come too. I want to leave…

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