Today somebody asked me how I can be so calm with the circumstances that happened in my life recently and the past. This question really made me think on how I was acting about my life’s ups and downs on a daily basis. Was I supposed to be showing anger, self pity and hate? Sure all of those emotions came to me, but in my mind is it worth holding onto those emotions. As I have mentioned before I can either let the circumstances define me or how I handle them define me. There are plenty of people in this world that use what happened to them as a crutch or excuses as to why their current life is the way it is. Sure it’s easier to stick your head in the sand to drink in excess, turn to drugs or treat people the same way you have been treated. The thing is, that’s just not me.
years ago when in counseling my counselor had me Write two letters to my abuser. One was about how what he did to me made me feel and how angry I felt. The second was how I forgave him. It didn’t mean I forgot what he did or that it didn’t hurt but that I forgive the emotion and hurt he caused. The forgiveness letter was one of the hardest things I had to do because I wanted him to feel every single pain he caused me. I remember asking my counselor if I really needed to write this and she said yes, it was part of the healing process. She said in the long run holding onto to all of those negative emotions would hurt me and turn me into the person I didn’t want to be. See, even with the recent breakup and my heart being torn apart holding onto the anger and hurt was not going to do any good. We have a child together, debt together and at one time were madly in love with each other. He knows how I felt about all of this but he also knows I forgive him but yet will never forget. My sanity, my peace require me to forgive. The forgiveness isn’t about them it’s about me and finding the peace I need to move forward in life. I’m not saying it’s not okay to have those feelings but you must not let them harbor in your heart to long. The day I finally wrote that letter to my abuser I felt a weight be lifted and a sense of calmness that I had not felt in years. Something that he will always have to carry with him is his actions. I’m not always calm about things and I was plain angry with the world when I was going through my childhood abuse and going through this recent happening. The thing is anger only makes you bitter and being bitter holds you back in life. We are not prisoners of our pasts but rather growers of our future. My ex will watch me grow as a person and become successful in my career despite what he has caused me. The same goes for my abuser, he had to hear about how I’ve grown and became this amazing woman despite what he caused. They need to know they have no control over your life and that you can make it no matter how much you have been beaten down. So, how I stay calm is forgiving for my own peace, focus on the future and create my own happiness because I am NOT defined but what happened to me.