Dad

Going in the second month of college, I was the happiest girl. A new refreshing start, a new life beginning, challenges and the start of my college life. Going to the dorm from my afternoon class, I found my mother standing there. I was thrilled to see her, then all the sudden something came over me that something was really wrong. I asked her wait, why are you here? Did someone die? Is it Dad? Jamie? Jason? She said your dad. He fell down the basement steps drunk and cracked his neck. Now, I never understood the full story, I was too afraid to ask for details. I got in mom’s car and the first song popped up. “One sweet day” by Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men. Then it came on again and again until I had the words stuck in my head. Is this his way of saying sorry? Did he get my letter I just mailed a week ago? Wait, let me back up.

As a child growing up, my father was an alcoholic. My mother was his second wife, and he always cheated on women and end up at bars. This was his life, his priority. Not us, his children, not his wife, or any family. From my understanding, he started as a young child. He had so many kids I lost count, and half of them I never met. My mother finally kicked him out on Thanksgiving day when he would not come home for days. When I was sick, struggling to walk, and paralyzed my mother struggled trying to keep the house together on top of his drinking moments.  I can never imagine the emotions my mother went through until now. I feel as if I am walking in her path now in fear and stress with my boyfriend’s issues. I was the only child that stick by his side for a long time, and saw what he went through. My brothers was gone in the services overseas at this time. One of them was angry with him, and I never understood why. Something to do with his ex girlfriend. Being deaf, I was left out of many stories and never understood the reason of anger and hurt.  Every time I went to visit him in the Quad Cities, he was not home. He was at a bar, Rusty Nails, and I end up stuck with one of the stepmothers who would be weeping and crying on the phone. I begged him to stay home when I come to see him, but so many promises of his was broken. The next day, he would apologize over and over for his behavior and made more promises of being with me. He would often come home late at night, and cry to me how much he missed and love my mom. How he messed up. The last time I saw him, was right before I was leaving for college. I told him, I would come and visit him but he has to stay home with me. When I got there, he was not there. He was at Rusty Nails. In fear of my dad crashing his truck again, not coming home, and even dying from this, I felt my heart aching for him wanting him to stop. I prayed and prayed to protect him. Can you imagine the huge burden already that I carried just for him? Still to this day, I am going through with men who has drinking problems and find myself still loving, standing by and caring. I left angry back to mom’s early. I decided to write a letter to him saying goodbye. I needed to let him go. So here is the letter I wrote.

Dad,

I am writing a letter to let you know I am leaving your life. I don’t know what else to do about you. You just did not listen to us, and you blamed others for your actions. I see the other side of you now and I hate it. I don’t mean to hurt you but you got to know you hurt me so much more. Just seeing you drinking, not taking responsible or good care of the little angels you have now in front of you. You know, you can be really special, and a great dad, but you don’t even try to help yourself. It’s not Jamie, Jason, Mom, or me that is the problem. It’s you dad. Why didn’t the other kids see you? Don’t you ever wonder why? Can’t you see what’s happening? Money is not what I want dad. It is not that I need or want something. It can see the pain you are causing yourself. You probably will read this and get mad going back to where you know best. Don’t blame it on anyone. I know you don’t like my boyfriend, but you have no saying in what I should do with him. I mean, if it was someone else, you still would not like him. You did not even like Jason or Jamie’s girlfriend. Nothing we did was right in your eyes. Look, I am 17 now, and I know I am deaf and lack out a lot of things, but I am not stupid. I know what’s going on. I don’t need anymore burdens with whatever is happening with you now. Can I at least ask you to please be good to the little ones you have now? I know they are starting to see what I see in you, so be careful not to lose their love too. You do need someone by your side who loves you, but it is not going to be me anymore. Your damn bottle won’t even love you as you think it does. I always love you even though you were so mean and blind to us, I still care tremendously. My heart cannot take it anymore. I am sorry, I tried to be strong for you. I hate to see you doing this to yourself but please take care. An angel is watching over you, and I will pray for you daily. I am going to be alright. I am going to succeed with my goals and my own path. I got a future ahead of me to look forward to. I AM happy right now. So don’t you worry about me. Work on yourself to prove us wrong that you are not the person we see. Not for the sake of us, but the sake of yours. I don’t know why you do this and never will understand the addiction that is more important of being loved. I got so much to say, but I am just going to waste my time. I just need to say good bye dad. Thank you for giving me a good life, and trying to be a good person even for a few minutes. I know you tried, but not enough. I always will remember your smile and the spark in your eyes. Take care.

Love your daughter, Desa

 

And you know what? He never got this letter. He died when it was sitting in the mailbox. I still hear that song daily. I know its you that is trying to speak to me. I know there is so much more you want me to know, and I know you are sorry. I just ask you to please not let me go through this again with another man I love. To give me a good man, who will love and honor me abundance. I forgive you. Help me find answers to you, and to my current situation.

Leave a Reply

SCROLL TO TOP