Ryan – A picture that explains it all..

Hubby with babesSo just a warning this will most likely be a long entry! If whoever does take the time to read this, all I ask is to send a prayer 🙏 thank you! ……So let me explain to you my life IN MY POINT OF VIEW and why I posted this picture in particular! This year for me and my ex was completely shitty!! If anything could go wrong, well guess what it ended up 100x worse! First of, we found out my ‘father in law’ had stage 4 cancer.. My brother in law was taken into government custody because no one could or would take him in! Everyday I regret not taking him in ,😢 anyways in march on my daughters first birthday we find out my father in law passed away – brutal! (I wasn’t necessarily close with him, because he was a relatively closed off person, but one thing I will always cherish is him NEVER neglecting himself as a grandpa or as a Pepére – he loves my kids! And I wish always he could have met his one and only grandson!) soon after the next month Roger (my only boy, the littlest out of the bunch) was born! As I can remember even the hospital stay was bad between Ryan and me! I wanted comfort and in my eyes he neglected from telling me things will be okay (we had problems with Rogers health at the hospital!) then a few weeks later we made the decision to move out of our apartment and move in with my family (grandparents home) because of the stress financially we were struggling majorly! So we moved in and my family right away is a little iffy and hard to deal with.. But I see it now as we moved in to prepare for the major blow that was my grandfather passing away! Ryan did some major sketchy things to me during this time like hitting my car because of going out with another girl to a bar then sleeping outside because he was drunk while I was home worried with the kids… Honestly I just wanted him to comfort me and love me like I did to him during his fathers death, I wanted to grieve! But I had to deal with the nonsense verbal and physical abuse Ryan made me endure and had me dealing with the emotional cheating.. Even now thinking about my Papa makes me cry, losing a Pepére and a Papa – its hard, really really hard! And its worse when I am and was there for him to grieve and comfort him but he couldn’t do the same 😞 in my view, you swore you love me forever and always,you swore you would be better, you swore than nothing could come between us, etc. And yet if you seriously did love me endlessly then why would you treat me so poorly? Anyways… Not to long later he lost his job – for a rather stupid reason that I wont get into! And in late June/early July this picture was taken right before this one fateful night that we fought and he walked out again! (and he would run off several times throughout the year for various reasons and he wouldn’t tell me!) now during this picture was a few days after another fight of him acting childish, being irresponsible, blah blah, and he had promised to be better! We were watching my family plant beautiful flowers and trees in memory of my grandfather, he was having a great time with the kids I thought things were awesome! But then again we fought and be left.. he decided to go off and then not contact me for a few days and just leave to the next state over… When he came back I confronted him and he suddenly claimed to not love me and to be done whatever.. I was devastated – how can I make so much time and effort in to this relationship for you to just throw it away like it was nothing and then suddenly claim that you no longer love me.. He stayed the night – we managed to get “close” that last final night and then the next day it turned to shit again… He left and left for good – idk if he had gone straight to his ex’s house (an hour away) or maybe to the next state over again but he left (and honestly I’m not sure if I believe him if he told me what happened from there because he’s lied to much to me!) I was shattered when I found out about him and his ex! She claimed to love him and yet would tell me she didn’t want a relationship with him and that she told him to come back home to me.. Either way it still hurts my heart thinking about him just leaving his family and being fine and happy with being with another girl (like she was a rebound girl, right? I honestly feel like the devastation of the breakup and not seeing our babes made him seek attention elsewhere, but am I wrong?) So eventually trying my hardest (and being a completely emotional wreck) I told him I need to stop speaking with him because I was heartbroken and if I was going to be the only parent with them all the time i needed to be sane and normal-ish again! So he filed for full custody (which he later admitted to me that he didn’t really want full custody!) and in mediation we decided he needs to get a therapist and ill agree to 2-3 hours twice a week at least.. Honestly if he got help and he lived closer I would’ve let him have the kids whenever and I would’ve been happy.. I found out i was pregnant again around this time and well the stress the medicine I was taking a huge amount of physical and mental issues I sadly miscarried my little one, which I was devastated, because within the few days/week that I had found out I was expecting I grown attached to the idea and thought of a baby (I know babies dont fix my void or my problems) but idk what it is I love being a mom! But I guess it was god saying I’m not ready right now, even though I cried about it for days it was especially hard dealing on my own about it 😢😪 well then soon after things didn’t work out with Ryan and his ex kicked him out, and so I tried helping him by letting him stay in my car at night (family wouldn’t let him in the house, do u blame them? Sadly no!), I would feed him, just trying to be there for him… But something happened.. In my opinion he made excuses from the beginning on why he didn’t apply for this job, why he “forgot” about seeking therapy – yah but you don’t forget to watch porn at night lol do you? (its not embarrassing for me to say that, everyone does it) and yet I know him when he set his mind to it he gets shit done, he said I was nagging (and maybe I was!) but he keeps dragging his feet right now and I care for him to much to want to see him go down a dark path… So what had happened was we got into an argument I decided to shut up and say nothing because in the end I wasn’t getting through to him (which I see now I cant force someone to change) and I didn’t want the kids to see us (mainly him) arguing like that so I thought maybe saying nothing and walking away until things cool down would be okay but nope! He took it badly, called me childish and then he shattered my car window in a rage (in front of OUR kids) Our son was crying, our eldest daughter was yelling, and I was shaking, physically shaking… I was scared and yet more saddened – like why!?!! (then it goes back to this, he swears he loves me and respects me but then he does this.. As my friends would say that is not love) police were called he was arrested and I had to make the most difficult decision of my life – do I put myself first and think I can talk to him again on my own, or do I think about my kids first and say no enough is enough? And as I’m crying as I type this I had to file and place a restraining order on him 😢😢 seriously – I don’t even want it! But he’s proven time and time again how much he doesn’t love me enough, how he doesn’t care about me enough, he doesn’t respect me enough.. I know he is an awesome guy and can be an awesome father again but this whole year has sadly brought him to shame! And I feel so deeply saddened and depressed by his choices.. Its like he knows hes doing wrong and he feels bad but he’s still making those bad choices.. And sometimes I feel like I just don’t understand what is wrong with me! Because why am I the one feeling so sad and sorry when he’s hurt me so bad and hes made his choices now he must deal – like why do I feel for him still? Let me explain to you my messed up emotions! I love him. I gave him my heart my world. I care for him, I let him have me like I never let anyone else have me before! I respected him, and always thought twice about my words I used because I didn’t want to regret anything! But the problem being, and I’ve come to realize.. Ever since this bad year Ryan has grown mad, angry, abusive, sad, psychotic, jealous, etc. and even though I strongly believe Ryan needs help mentally, I don’t think he loves himself anymore… Hes made so many wrong turns he takes his rage out on others because he doesn’t like or love how his choices or how his life has gone (its a deeper meaning, versus he needs help for his rage) I just thought so whole heartedly that if he loved me enough to see he does need help things would change! And I’m not saying getting a therapist will cure all or that he will want to be with me again! honestly this is what I wanted from him if he didn’t want to be with me… For him to get help be with the kids whenever he could maybe me and him could remain best friends regardless and have some dinners or lunches together with the kids to show the kids that mommy and daddy aren’t together but we will always maintain a great friendship and always have great communication with one another for the kids wellbeing! And if he or I did find someone else we’d be happy for one another but to hope that they treat with the greatest respect – but truthfully I don’t believe Ryan is ready for a relationship and he needs to learn to be their for the kids first before his needs (his needs of wanting to see other people, his needs of wanting to go on trips, etc) like just take care of your kids first please! Its not fair that I’m putting 1000% effort in being mom and you are barely pulling up 35%.. Right?! I just wish I knew what happened because the man I fell in love with is not here anymore he just left 😞 I hope he understands that I love him because he makes me laugh when I don’t want to, he cuddles me when I don’t want to, he cooks for me because I just don’t know how to, he took care of the kids when I was too weak too, he sat through my favorite shows because he knew thats what I wanted, rarely did we ever do what he want, but in return to all the neglect I gave him he mistreated me – talk about a vicious cycle! Thats why I don’t blame him, and still I ain’t mad at him! Truthfully even with the no contact order, I want to hear from him desperately (if not for me then for his babes who keep asking about him) I strongly believe that my behavior as well as his behavior this year was uncalled for and intolerable! Thats why I think we are both the abusers – alot of the above was what he did but I didn’t even mention my part in alot of it!!!! But if I had one thing to ask him someday or one thing to tell him someday.. It would be “I’m sorry, for how this ended out and for how we both reacted! Neither of us thought about the babes, and I’m not sure where or how you are but just know that we miss you – we all miss you!” I could only hope that one day Ryan does find the help he needs and is finally able to see the kids – as far as I know and feel I keep thinking the worst that he wants nothing to do with the kids and he will never speak to us again he is just gone forever.. My mind is always over thinking and always anxious thinking about the worst.. I secretly pray every night that he will call me or email me or message me but I know it wont ever happen! But ill keep praying for a good out come to all my drama and ill keep praying for his wellbeing.. After all in my eyes I still love him 💔 makes it all the more devastating! So of you read it this far thank you, and please pray for my babes, for Ryan, and for me… We need gods grace and love! But thank you! xo.xo ❤ Quote

One thought on “Ryan – A picture that explains it all..”

  1. Oh you poor thing. My advice is to take what you ahve for granted and Ppreciate while its still there, because youre right, notbing lasts forver. Nothing. I know how you feel. When i was young, i was told my dad went missing after he got out of jail. Never rememvered mewting him. Turms out he was a meth addict and abused me as a baby, and my mom took me away from him before he could do any mental damage. I know i have a bunch of scars, and a half a dozen mental disorders,but i am glad i nevered remembered the events. I wastoo young for memories, let alone to be potty trained,and i am blessed for that. But i am glad that he at least wasnt around a lot. I know i should wish that, but if he was around, i wouldnt have turned out as good as i did, and i didnt turn out well in the first place, as i have PANDAS, a psyciatric disorder that has to do with blood cells and nutrition and adhd. Anyway, what im trying to say, it that even though i experienced many scarring experiences eg. Rape, abuse, sexual assault, attemptive murder victim(someone tried to kill me) and kany other things i will not get into, i survived. And im glad i enjoyed the good parts when they were around

    “Its the small moments in life, that make you smile, make you laugh, that all add up in the end, and make uo for all the bad moments and make you smile, rather than cry.”
    _gwynneth reams

    Hang in there girl. Everythings all right

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