A letter to her, that she cannot see


When we broke up, you told me that this might not be forever.  That you don’t expect it to work out with him.  That you don’t expect him to even come out here for you.  That in 3 months we could be back together when you figure things out with him.  I hope that it’s still true.  When I last asked you, you said probably not, but that you don’t know.  That I couldn’t expect you to have an answer for me right now.  You were mad at me.  I hope than once your head is right, that you can still see us together in the future.

Knowing that I upset you that weekend after we broke up has hurt me.  Knowing that you left our relationship thinking saying we’d probably be back together soon, and that a few days later, you said we probably wouldn’t, because of my actions post-breakup, kills me.  Knowing that when we left the breakup, it was me saying that I don’t think I can handle being friends with you, and you saying you love me and still want me to be a part of your life, and then 5 days later telling me you never want to speak to me again, and me begging you to stay my friend, was harder than you can imagine.  Knowing that it was my actions that changed your mind about the probability of us reconciling made it that much harder to bear.  That I may have still had a chance with you, and that I may have messed that chance up.

I am hurting more than you can imagine.  I have loved you since I met you.  Since we first met on that date for a drink with your friends.  I have pictured my life with you for as long as I can remember.  I’ve never felt this close to anyone before. I remember last February when you told me how much you missed me, and you wanted me to move closer.  Well my lease is almost up now, and that distance is about to be taken away.  I will be close to you.  Though we’re not together anymore.  It would have been that much easier for us.  You told me before more than once, that you can picture a life with me.  I can still picture a life with you, and it’s amazing.

I want to spend the rest of my Sundays rooting for the Patriots next to you while you cheer the Colts.  I want to watch your daughter grow up into as beautiful a woman as you are.  I want to be there through thick and thin.  I want to be the one who makes you smile when you look at your phone and see what I’ve sent you.

I know I’ve been desperate lately.  I know it’s not an attractive quality. I just want you to look back at this past year, and see who I was with you.  I was happy.  I was complete.  And I strove to do everything I could for you, from keep you company when you needed it, to spending time with you when you were alone or stressed, to bringing you a surprise peach green tea from Starbucks when you were heading off to school.  Don’t focus on what I’m like knowing I’ve lost you.  Focus on how much fun we had with each other when we were together.  Focus on the late night and early morning text messages.  The conversations we’d have before you went to bed.  The times we went out as a family, you, me, and Ellie with your mom and brother at Benihannas or Outback.  The times out shopping at the mall, and holding hands.  The way you’d always take my hand and tell me “Act like you like me”.

I understand you have your history with him.  I understand you feel like you can’t let go until you know for sure he’s not the one for you.  Just know that you feel about him the way I feel about you.  That you think he could possibly be the one, and you want to find out.  I know that you could be the one for me.  If the rest of our lives were anything like this past year, I know I would die old and happy with you.

If he does come out here and you end up marrying him.  I’ll be happy that you found love.  I do hope that if you were right, and he doesn’t work out, or he doesn’t come out here, that you’ll come back to me like you said you would.  Because  I can give you more love than you can hope for.  I will devote my life to your happiness.  Because your happiness with me, is my happiness.  I truly believe you complete me.  And I will be hard pressed to find a love with someone else that means as much to me as you do.

In the meantime, I hope you’ll give me the chance to really be your friend.  I hope you’ll still let me spend time with you on occasion.  That we can grab some coffee, or go get some dinner together.  That maybe I can even spend time with you and Ellie again.  I want a chance to show you that I can be the man that first convinced you to fall in love with me.  That these past 2 months, and the arguments we had, were just a rouse.  That the happiness we felt together, the excitement we felt when heading to see each other, are what we were really about.

One day, I hope to take you and Ellie together to Hawaii for our next vacation.  One day I hope to be living with you, and watching Ellie heading off to college.  One day, I want to travel the world with you.  One day, I want to grow old with you.  If you end up with him, then that’s what was meant to be.  If not, I hope these fantasies come true.  I love you.


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