Tonight I’m a hot mess – as usual!

Seriously, I’ve spent the past 2 hours sewing 4 damn buttons on my grandmothers shirt.. And because I am so damn tired and ready for bed I had to keep cutting the button off and sewing it back on because I kept sewing it without realizing that I was sewing it wrong again 😞 I’m tired and I’m ready for bed.. Lol ……i wish I had someone to cuddle me – I love cuddles with Roger at night but he is so boob obsessed he never lets me sleep in peace… Sometimes I wonder how on earth Ryan is so cool calm and collected about being able to sleep through the night… Its frustrating sometimes because with three kids someone almost every night wakes up crying, needing to pee, needing to eat, w.e it is someone wakes up! On a different note, hes been emailing me.. Not sure what he really wants with me though.. In my mind hes talking to girls again probably just trying to screw with my head some more.. But I dont want to go back to the same abusive angry behavior anymore I’ve come to realize I’m worth more than that now… But its up to him to prove it and jump through those hoops to be with me whole heartedly.. I just really hope he does do it because honestly I still tell people that he’s my boyfriend (like today I told my coworker all about him and my family like we were still one happy family) I honestly can’t picture not planning that dream wedding with him, I cant picture loving anyone else… If I have to move on I will but I don’t want to – when I planned on having Emilia with him I made him promise we were forever, that he would never leave and never no matter what abandon the kids… So why does it feel like he is kind of breaking that promise to me? How do I know he’ll be faithful this time around, how do I know he will actually see a therapist, etc..? I don’t I just have to out my faith in it.. But like I said I not settling for anything less than what me and the kids deserve – because we deserve the world and I’d rather be single than settle! …but on a different note again Natalie was so super tired at her game today that she apparently went up to her Papa Juan and said I quit papa, I’m to tired.. I don’t want to play no more 😂 needless to say my family ain’t raising any quitters so he pushed her to not give up 😊 Thats my girl! Noww… Its time for mw to call it a night! *Pray for me and ng family, and for the wellbeing of Mister Ryan! Goodnight world 🌉 🙏

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