Sex-at-night

19

Sometimes she tries to forget what really happened. She wonders how he’s doing. “Fine” he shares in his social media. Why is it so hard to face feelings and to pretend not to be hurt? Why is love so HARD to maintain these days? It seems that everyone is lost in their own feelings; confused, people substitute love for alcohol thinking it is easier that way. Truth was, she was also feeling that way. She needed to be gone and forget what truly hurt her inside. She tried to work on herself. She really did try. “Fuck boys” she said. She wanted to find herself, what inspired her, what REALLY and TRULY made her smile. But there he was making her dizzy, constantly running in her head, that boy who she knew was NOT worth a single tear. Who could blame her? she saw the good in him. She made the worst mistake ever trying to replace that boy with another one. She was lost mentally and physically! She really had fucked up this time. That other boy who we’re calling “T” was perfect! such a great guy. T knew exactly how to treat a woman, he knew exactly what to do in the perfect time. She decided she would give it a try with  him. Days went by and that other dude who we’re calling “O” would not leave her head. She knew she wanted O, but persisted with T, thinking she could force feelings and hopefully forgetting about O. She knew things would never work because her heart and soul belonged to O. She tried her best to stay away from O. She went on with T feeding him hopes of love. She even said “I love you” to him believing it was true, but actually she wanted to scream that to someone else. One night she felt strong and confident of her feelings. T had earned her heart. They decided to make love that night. It was great until she felt empty. They cuddled, but she felt a stranger next to her. She couldn’t wait to run away from that house. During the drive back home she cried like she had never done it before. 2 A.M. and the streets were empty just like her soul. She cried asking why life was so unfair and why couldn’t she feel a thing for T but instead gave the world for O. Him that did not deserve a thing from her. The next morning, selfishly she departed from T’s heart. Confused and broken he was. She did the best to stay away from O but nothing worked. He kept calling her as if he knew he had her on his palms, and basically he did. So once again she fell for it and decided to play with fire. They had a deal to just be fuck buddies. No feelings, no commitments, nada. Even if it was just that, knowing she had him or sort of, made her life so happy. It was a difficult thing they had. When they texted, everything was empty, but when they saw each other it was as if they’d been together for ever. He promised her to be hers. even when he had said “no feelings” he kept talking about them. He promised to make love like no other but that day seemed to be impossible. On a random night where both had gone out, met after a crazy night of partying. He took her home with him. Everything was perfect. Love surrounded them. Sparks of connections withheld her soul. She felt RIGHT. she felt SECURED. she was SURE of him. That night for the first time he confessed to her and said he loved her and uncontrollably she replied “I love you too” but this time she really did mean it. She LOVED him. Three Five hours of endless love fulfilled her soul. The way he treated her, how he kissed her, how he hugged her as if she was someone special made her enormously happy. She knew it was REAL. The next morning they made love again. He still was a prince to her. It was a bit awkward, his mom had stepped inside and saw her there sitting in bed. His mom invited her for breakfast and so again it felt so OFFICIAL. That night during melting kisses he admitted he wanted her as the mother of his children. Her heartbeat increased and blind-fully she believed. She didn’t want to leave, she knew the moment she crossed that door she was never going to be back. She didnt care whether if she was a booty call or a fuck buddy. She had agreed to have him no matter how. And so her nightmare became reality when he became distant and acted as if nothing ever was said. As if she was just an object of the night. His social media was surrounded by single statuses. She knew what she had signed into, but given the fact he had said so many things, it still hurt her. The problem was that the boy she knew wasn’t the O he showed himself to be in his social media. It was as if he had two sides of him. The one to pretend to be a FUCKBOY and the other that showed REAL feelings towards her and wasn’t afraid to say them. There were days where she had no more tears for him. It was painful to realize they will ever be something. She realized he wasn’t worth it but only this time she was more than sure. One of his statuses confirmed that he had no time for love, therefore he had no time for her and she had no time for games. She deleted the evidence where he had promised and promised unconditional love to her while she held the tears back. Despite the fact that he treated her like dessert rather than a main dish, she still wanted to be there. Her phone kept vibrating and desperately she hoped it was him and sure it was. “Hey babe.” He texted. How can someone be so heartless? But then she knew she fucking deserved it. She was being used just like she had played with T’s poor heart. KARMA’S a bitch! She didn’t understand how someone so perfect like T couldn’t fulfill her but someone like O did. Someone who  hardly ever got beyond the “What are you up to?” text. How do you even know when you love somebody? Did she really love him? or was it just one of those whims when one can’t have something so they desperately seek to own it? She didn’t know nor cared cause she was sure she felt something STRONG for him. What she had for sure were those memories. She needed to learn how and when to throw the trash away. But sure that trash brought happiness to her and pleasure to her but what lasted longer was hurt and confusion. She wasn’t ready to suffer. She knew it was time to LET GO. Time heals and it was. She will grow from O. She will realize what she deserves rather than what she wants. Her motive was now herself. And let the rest be TREASURED MEMORIES.

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