Can I disappear like a crushed dead leaf in the wind?

Who likes being ignored, raise your hand?  *crickets chirp* hmmm, so it isn’t just me huh?  Imagine that, people don’t like being ignored… or forgotten.  Especially without even knowing WHY.  All I know, he’s angry, why is he angry?  Who knows, what specifically about that conversation set him off to the point of ignoring me, again…. Another month?  Longer this time?  Quite the protector he is.  Hard to protect someone when you don’t speak to them and don’t know what dangers they might be facing.

After my childhood, feeling like I wasn’t important enough to speak up when I needed help.  Not feeling like my parents could handle my issues on top of my sister’s, I began to feel like no one was there for me.  So, what does the insane girl with an extreme hatred for herself do when she feels abandoned, unwanted, undeserving….she cuts and the cuts constantly, and punches brick walls and begins to truly believe she doesn’t deserve the kindness and gentle love that the world has to offer.  No one would ever care what was wrong with me or what I felt.  Spent the rest of my life up to this point, desperately trying to find someone that DID care, that DID think I was important, that DID notice that I was dying inside.  Monsters enjoy weak prey, and someone as damaged as myself, was their ideal meal.  Over and over I had men promise to love me to be there for me, but at the first sign of my true issues, pushed me away, belittled me, or in extreme cases, tried to erase my existence.

My true thoughts, feelings, desires, kept so close, so hidden, protected from the world because I knew how easily the world could destroy me.  No one was ever let in as much as he was.  I have never been so open, so honest, so vulnerable.  But again, first time I behave in a way he finds upsetting, I am ignored, brushed to the side, forgotten about.  After knowing my past, knowing how fragile I am about being forgotten, jesus christ, my tumblr name involves a fear of being forgotten, he gives me the silent treatment.  Is that what someone who wants to protect you from the evils of the world would do?  Leave you because they are angry? A month, I was ignored for an entire month.  By the one person I truly thought would always be by my side.  Now, again, I’ve dared to open my mouth and speak up when I felt strongly about something, even though I knew it might upset him, hoping we could be adults and work through our differences, but I get ignored again.

Why was I so stupid?  Why did I think he would be any different.  Oh, he didn’t TELL me I’m unworthy, didn’t TELL me I’m a pathetic piece of shit not worth his time or efforts….just didn’t speak to me for a month, and now a few days (so far) for this round.  Would he do the same to his family?  Even if he knew they were facing some kind of trouble, knew they were really hurt by his lack of attention, would he knowingly choose to continue hurting them?  He did with me.  I told him how much it hurt me.  I told him how abandoned I felt.  I told him that it hurt more than what the monsters did to me, because I expect monsters to behave like monsters.  Yet he STILL continued to ignore me.  How could I take that as anything BUT me meaning nothing to him when it comes down to it?  His love for me so weak, that it is so easily overpowered by anger towards me.

How is he different from the monsters?  I know, I know, compared to the monsters I’ve been with, the initial knee-jerk reaction is “ummm VERY different”…but work with me here…. The monsters, had a slight idea of how wounded I was, they could see I was a wounded animal, just weren’t quite sure WHAT my wounds were before they feasted on me.  He was told what my wounds were, I called to him for help, asked him to save me from the monsters….. he listened, promised me help, promised me protection, and then turned his back and pretended I didn’t exist while the monsters closed in to finish off the wounded animal.  Which hurts more?  Monsters, living up to their nature and being monsters, or someone who promises to be a savior, only to be the one who leaves you to die.

Yes, I am nuts.  I am broken.  Have several screws loose…a few eggs short of a dozen, whatever lovely analogy you want to use, yep, that’s me.  But I never denied that, never tried to sugarcoat my insanity with him.  In fact, warned him he would leave me, told him of my fears that he would get tired of me and leave.  I not once, tried to fool him or downplay how much work I am.  Yet, he told me, over and over he would never leave me, would always be there for me.  So where is he?  I’ve not slept in days, cried constantly, where is he? I’ve thought about just giving up on all of the fucking work my life has been…. god I would be dead if my kids didn’t exist.  Even despite their existence, I want to die, I want to stop fighting the world, I want to stop being broken and forgotten.  But I hold on for some reason, for them.  But how long will that work?  What will it take to push me that little bitty step over the edge?  This?  Will this final disappointment in love be the final nail in my coffin?  Who would even care if it was?  How long would I be dead before people would even fucking notice I was gone?

The problem with people who mean everything they say, is that they assume everyone else means what they say too…. but they don’t.  People make half-handed promises, without even thinking about what it will do when they can’t come through with their promises, especially to people like me.  Oh silly Amanda, yet again I do believe, you loved far more than you were loved.  Can you blame him?  Why would anyone ever WANT to stay by my side?

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