I hit a certain age where i came to the realization that i was never going to be ‘THAT’ girl.
I remember a distinct time in my life when i was very young and i never worried about my appearance. I would look in the mirror, smile and be on my way. It never occurred to me that i had flaws or how people saw me. I think thats the greatest gift we are given is that when we are born into this world for maybe that one second or one day or maybe for a few years we only know one thing. Just to be. We haven’t learned to judge. We haven’t learned to see the imperfections. We are just curious about the people we see or life. We look at the world differently before we are tainted with judgments , non-acceptance, the peer pressure to be what we are not. Eventually we begin to grow up and we watch the tv, magazines, and the way society wants us to be. Then somewhere along the way we realize that , hm. Maybe the way i saw myself was wrong. In order to be accepted or loved i should either look or be this way. Thats how it all starts…
In middle school, I was constantly being bullied not physically (Thank God) but more on emotional level. Everyone called me names , or told me how ugly or fat i was. Everyday kids would pick on me. I dreaded going to school. But before middle school had started i never really payed attention to my appearance. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember passing by the mirror in my home. I stepped back. I looked at myself for an hour. All these negative thoughts and flashbacks to what kids were saying started to become ‘My Truth’. I began to believe it. I remember crying because i couldn’t believe i hadn’t seen this before. From then on, my low self esteem has been the hardest thing to overcome. Of course, After middle school, I continued to deal with people making comments about my appearance or my body.
Its so easy to believe the worst then it is too believe in something good.
Certain time in my life where i hated myself so immensely . I took showers in the dark. So i wouldn’t have to see my body. Their were times i avoided mirrors or would look down so i wouldn’t have to look at myself. I did everything in my power to ignore how i felt about myself just so i wouldn’t break down and cry. Then i always had skin problem of eczema which really took a toll on how i felt about myself.
Today, my self esteem isn’t as bad as it was before. I am working on loving myself everyday even though it hard for me daily. Some days, my thoughts are extremely negative and i can’t help but want to be mad at myself for how i look . Then i have the days where i feel good and I can see the positives in all my flaws. Its constant struggle for me. But I’m trying.