Here I go again…..
Talk about a loooooooonnnng hiatus!
I noticed it during Christmas time of 2014. My motivation was slipping. I had reached my goal weight of 150 pounds that summer and decided to see what it would be like if I kept on going. I continued to push myself hard every day. I was an active Beachbody coach, afterall, and felt the need to be a good example to follow. I cried on Christmas morning when the scale read 139 pounds. I had never seen that number.
As I look back on it now, I realize that I had been working so hard for so long (over 2 years of strict dieting) that I was just plain BURNT OUT! It didn’t truly hit me until sometime in February 2015. I was sick and tired of it all. I just stopped caring. I was depressed. THERE! I said that word that so many people are afraid to say or hear. In this low state of mind, I managed to think that I didn’t need to eat right and exercise anymore. It felt like I was rebelling. And it felt good…. at first.
Months went by and my “rebellion” had now become a very unhealthy habit. My lack of motivation was evident on the scale, in the clothes that didn’t fit, my appearance, my mood, etc. I was in denial about it. Every day I would wake up and tell myself that I had plenty of time to change and get back on the bandwagon of health. Besides, I had only gained 10 pounds at that point. What was so bad about that?
10 pounds has become 25 pounds and here I am sitting in yoga pants because the bigger jeans I had to buy from Salvation Army (I refused to spend big money when I figured I’d lose the weight again) are becoming too uncomfortable to wear.
Sure, I tried to get back at it many times over this past summer. I entered into a weight loss challenge with a possible cash reward thinking that would motivate me. NOPE! I joined a really awesome gym with great accountability thinking that would keep me at it which it did…. for about a month. Then school started and schedules changed and I just couldn’t justify paying what I was to go there and having to miss a lot of my workouts due to a combination of the gym hours provided and my schedule just not working well together.
So here I am. Trying to pull myself out of the hole I dug myself into. Many people tell me I look great the way I am and I appreciate that. I honestly still feel beautiful but it’s not just about that. It’s about my health. I can’t sleep. My joints hurt. I have less stamina. I just feel gross.
Today is a new day. I woke up today and realized that the only person judging me is myself. I am my own worst enemy. So what am I so worried about?
I’m worried that people will call me a quitter for deciding Beachbody isn’t for me. I’m worried people will say “well, if you couldn’t keep the weight off, there’s no hope for me”. I’m afraid to be proud of myself again. I’m afraid of making this journal public and opening myself up so much.
Here’s the thing, people LOVE to follow what you’re up to when you are feeling your best and on your A game. They trust that you know what you are doing and want in on that action. When I was hitting my diet and exercise hard, I had so many amazing people in my life who cheered me on and even joined me! I posted inspiration every day and people responded so positively.
Then I went silent because I figured I had failed everyone when I decided to stop what I was doing. I’m sorry that’s the way I handled it because so many people were counting on me to hold them accountable. Looking back on it, that was a lot of pressure and I felt the need to be perfect all the time.
Here I am to say I’m not perfect and that’s okay. I don’t have any of this figured out and that’s okay. I’m honestly just going to take it one day at a time and that’s okay. I’m rebuilding my support system around me and creating a new plan that works well for me.
I didn’t push stop, I just pushed pause….