Day 1 / An Explanation

My name is Elsie Porter, actually it’s not. It’s a fake name I made up, a fake email I made up, so that I could write this without judging myself. Without someone searching my name or finding a connection between the real life me and the me that wants to explain myself in this journal. I am two completely different people, and not in the disconnected sense, just, I am myself and then I am the me that I am in front of other people. The okay version of me.

This is the uncut, unadulterated, savagely raw version of my life. Parts of me that I am too scared to share under my real name incase real life people come back instead of demons or dreams. There will be no pictures, no real names, no locations. I want this to be as anonymous as possible and I don’t want anyone to try and figure out who I am. I am helping myself by letting this out, by telling myself that someone else might read this and they might understand.

I am eighteen (18), which I feel like is one of the more important (but basic) things you should know about me to begin with. I have lived through and am currently living through some inconceivable circumstances. Things that shouldn’t happen to little girls, let alone teenage girls or adults. Something that shouldn’t happen to anyone. If you have even a faint idea of what I’m talking about from your own personal experiences – I’m sorry in advance.

I don’t particularly think my life has been terribly, horribly, bad. In fact, for the most part, I think my life has been pretty good. But as of late, I’ve realised I was secretly robbed of a childhood I didn’t know I was entitled too.

I cannot explain everything in one post, I may as well write a book right now if that were the case. Instead, I want to explain over a number of weeks or months or years. However long it takes me to get this all out – I am giving myself the time to explain and pretend to be heard.

I think the main thing to understand from the get-go is that this might get graphic and there will be trigger warnings to people who are sensitive to a whole range of issues. And I’m sorry. I don’t want to list anything just yet, just incase I’m not actually as ready for this as I thought I was. But right now at 1:30am, I feel ready. So, maybe I should just start right now.

– Elsie Porter

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