scattered brain! but a good day nonetheless

Its funny how life works I was having such a horrible day yesterday but today its like how on earth can it get any better.. Chris even came by briefly when he dropped his son off at school to see how I was (he knew yesterday was pretty bad) sweetest thing for him to do to see if I’m okay 😊 seriously made me blush haha haven’t felt like happy or anything like that in awhile a long long while and to top it off he got me one flower – hr said Corey (his son) thought of it but either way its so thoughtful and cute I cant even take it lol I’m so obnoxiously happy today idk if its because my family isn’t annoying me today, because the kids are actually behaving or maybe I actually got shit done today but i feel like nothing could bring me down 😃😆 wished I had someone to share it with. … Ugh my minds always confused with feelings, um going to the store later – I like the distraction of the store… Also, and Mila is being the worst eater today go figure! I made awesome chicken broccoli and cauliflower! It was so healthy and delicious!! I remember the very few times Ryan would come home and he would hug and kiss me when I would cook, I sucked so bad at cooking but I love that he still loved me for it I miss the feeling at home memories!! Lol I feel like doing something fun today… Chris invited me to go to dinner at his place but today I had to explain to him in ain’t ready for any of that, he was perfectly okay with it 😊 but he said hey even as a friend I dnt mind cooking for you lol he knows I love food – I’m a fatty like that but I’m down 3 lbs, not eating and eating only healthy is kind of working.. Um still having gall bladder and eating problems – off the record I talk to my doctor (Helps when ur friends with u doctor lol but awkward too!) she says exactly what my friend meg said.. But she said I need to keep an eye on it because if I get another serious attack (I’ve had two in the past week) and I do go to the hospital I will get it removed… I hate the thought of surgery.. I think of death and what the hell would happen in the event of my death.. Honestly think about the kids and everything what would happen 😞 like how would my wake go who would visit ne omg I got to stop thinking my mind goes a mile a minute… I know one thing I dnt want any sad omg she’s gone stuff… I want freaking happy party music and I want loving and happiness and bright awesomeness no black ugh god awful black only white and pink 😉 lol but my grave must be black or pink!! Ha! Anyways………. Ryan apparently reads my journal, I keep talking about him and I just want him to not use this as an excuse – like oh hey I read ur journal for the day I wont talk to her at all because I know she’s good.. Because I dnt care about the order! If he cares enough then why not?! But unless he doesn’t want to improve then go ahead and ignore me.. Idk if any of that makes sense hard to stay on topic the kids keep dragging my attention.. Honestly I wonder of Ryan regrets anything… Like does he even care that he misses all these little moments? Hmm I better go…. I need to shop 😊 I’m so happy I finally have a few things to my name… I can finally buy diapers on my own, gas on my own! And it feel great again 😊 well enough nonsense.. Pray for me and my family, including Ry always ❤ xo

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