It needs to be made completely obvious that Toby & I don’t fight often but when we do they are either petty and pathetic or unsparingly cruel and neither I enjoy. This evening we managed to waste the hour and bit we had to chat with a stupid argument, I’ve not yet decided which folder I’ll file this into yet but it did really hurt my feels. So much goes unsaid when you’re in a long distance relationship and I think it’s easy for Toby to think I’m okay.
But today, right before we started talking – I had a panic attack, about nothing in particular. I thought that maybe the sausages I’d cooked for dinner weren’t cooked properly and that I might be getting sick from them, the reason this is stupid is because they were pre-cooked sausages. Sausages that had been cooked then frozen, which I then took out of the freezer and cooked again. The likeliness of me getting sick from that is slim and I know that, but I couldn’t control the panic. I started crying, hyperventilating, I even manage to set myself up for a migraine that I wasn’t ready to fight against for the rest of the night.
The thing that annoys me about these arguments that happen when Toby is away is that so much can be missed in text messages and even phone calls, he knows me, up close and personal. He knows how to deal with my panic attacks first hand because he’s done it for years now. But when he’s away, on base, surrounded by people, on the other end of a phone, he can’t help me. He just lashes out and starts and argument instead, and I know this, so before we even get to that point I always try and say it’d be best not to talk, but sometimes he takes that as a submission of guilt, or an excuse not to talk to him.
I don’t mean to be the way that I am and if I could wish my anxiety away, but this shit affects him more than me. Every attack he can’t handle is a bar against his own self-preservation, he wants to help me, but sometimes I fear I’m beyond help.