My Thoughts!

Its freezing today! I literally am so tired I fell asleep feeding Roger 😫 😪 might go to bed early idk.. I was cuddled up so close and I was so warm that I fell asleep.. I keep I rethinking over and over how I had such a good day today so i wish I could’ve shared it with Ryan 😞 it always comes down to him doesn’t it? Well we spent so much time together its like a small part of me is gone… But idk if he even really wants the same because I have a feeling hes “talking to people” but his version of talking is different than mine.. I guess I just miss the man he used to be, and I dnt have much hope for him to find pick up his shit and get help – because I think that HE thinks the only important thing is for him to find a job and a home.. Most important thing for me is for him to get help because you can’t have either if you are mentally ok.. So wanna know what I keep thinking its just some good memories we shared… Like coming back to NH from camping for a few days and it was pouring like ive never seen it rain… Or the fact that one year we took josh! Omg how much he loved that we included him with my family! That was the meaning of family to me, that type of happiness 😊 it just makes me want to smile.. I remember the times we would go grocery shopping- it was honestly the best of times! We would drive to Wendy’s and eat in the car.. And get then shop for food, we used to be so happy then.. He would act goofy I would smile Natalie would laugh, he could always make her laugh… Thats when we were parents first!! Never put then last but everything changes I guess 😞 when I would be in bed and I could always get him to bed regardless if I just said babe can you come cuddle me to sleep.. I dnt think he every realized why I like him to cuddle me… I know how stingy I was while pregnant about cuddling (pregnancy made me feel so freaking uncomfy!!) but honestly Ryan made me feel warm, loved, anytime he held by hand with his arms wrapped around me he made me feel like nothing else mattered it was our family what we created thats all we cared about and to me it was like he was happy in that instant, he felt so happy and blessed that he fell asleep… Maybe he sees thing differently but he made me feel safe, and thats what I loved about that goofy man… But he embraced this angry person and idk eh he is now… But like I said before time will tell if things change! He better hope he’s looking nonstop about getting a therapist… But he could never see me and the babes again nit without him getting help!! It just sucks because the kids and I suffer and struggle without him here anymore.. Ugh! I gotta keep him in my prayers, idk but praying helps me, so does typing up my nonsense in this journal, but secretly I really do like hearing from Ryan.. I do miss him 😞 I just hope he ain’t screwing around with my emotions and I hope he ain’t lying… But idk what else to say pray for me and my family 🙏 ✌

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