This morning has been wonderfully mine. I woke up naturally after sleeping in and watched American Horror Story – I enjoyed breakfast and coffee and hot lemon water – I watched AHS until it bored me. Then I practiced yoga and meditation.
I allowed for complete thoughts. I used to dismiss them and force silence. More denial, more resistence. I realized that my love life has been full of addicts. Alcohol and sex – I realized what I wanted from my sex addict – sex and friendship. The funny part is that when it comes to those two desires, sex is the one that is lacking for me. I have some insight on his addictive behavior…qualifying behavior. But not all – I realized I am sexually dissatisfied and I’m jealous that my sex addict utilizes other outlets. It makes me uneasy not know what all of them are – I want to make sure I’m safe. I also want to introduce new outlets into my life without being secretive. It is hilarious to me that my mind immediately thinks to supplement my sex addict with my alcohol addict. My preferred addict lover is unavailable, so I’ll supplement with another addict. Does two addicts make for a whole person? That makes me feel fucked up, but it feels good to admit it.
One behavior I’m aware of : My sex addict will go on Instagram, like 6 – 8 photos of highly sexual photos (the girls are all so fucking boring looking to me … ) – IG models, advertisements, whatever, then call or text me to cancel our plans to see each other. What the fuck is that? Truly, I’m angry about that because I feel rejected. It scares me. The actions make me feel like I’m not good enough…second choice…which, intellectually, I know is so not true. I love myself and I have a lot to offer, but by staying with this I’m not taking care of myself. I’m selling myself way short. That makes me cry to realize that.
What are the other outlets? Who are the the other real life outlets? Does this addiciton stay contained virtually?
I realize I’m comfortable around addicts. It is what I know. It is what I’m used to – I know I have to choose better for myself, but I’m just not ready. I’m still in the complaining about it stage. I like my sex addict. I’d still want his friendship even if we didn’t have sex anymore…I mean, really, we are just about there. And you know what? I don’t like drunk sex – last night my alcohol addict offered to walk me home because he is sweet…he tacked on “unless you want me to stay with you??” and I was proud of myself because I said no – drunk sex is gross. I thought Yeah, baby. Come over and screw me, I love the smell of cheap beer on your breath, burping, can’t get it up … snoring and passing out after… Luckily I politely declined the offer.
What the fuck am I doing here?