ya i know..

I keep sayin this will be my last entry but I dnt feel like creating a new acct.. 😐 laziness overload!! I signed up for POF but I ain’t even feeling it, I dnt want to look for anyone, I am NOT that insecure about myself that I need to be in a relationship to feel wanted needed or happy! Which is apparently what Ryan needs, to feel better about himself – which is the reason why he needs help.. U think Ryan could use the love of his children to feel better about himself but like I said they do not matter to him obviously if they did we wouldn’t be here right now! He would be spending Halloween with us, spending thanksgiving, or Christmas together.. I wonder how it feels to be on his end.. To keep screwing up, to keep needing to talk to girl to feel better about himself, to not see the kids or know anything about them at all, to wonder how they are or how there feeling.. Sad thing is for the past week that I’ve talked to him… Hes only asked me ONCE!!!! how the kids were doing… only once!!!! Sad isn’t it… Hes a fake and a liar because as much as I want him to be better and get help I know he wont because its that laziness it’s that he doesn’t want to the kids as motivation doesn’t even matter to him.. And I know deep down he doesn’t want to be like this, but its to hard for him to deal with so instead he just stays as is and keeps fucking up 😞 sad isn’t it… Thats how has his mother fucked him up, seriously! He was able to find a therapist in a heartbeat last time, but now all of sudden he either forgets or makes excuses like they wont answer back.. Ya okay 👌 I’m so annoyed that he seriously talked to other girls after telling me no he wasn’t… What’s worse is he did it because me telling him I love him and only wanting him is still not good enough he needs to see other people to be happy and its frustrating, I cant talk to him anymore because its not worth me getting mad, I cant but I’m so upset at him for this and not doing what’s necessary to see his kids again… But I guess they will eventually forget about him and wont care.. I’ll be there for them and never leave them! Because that is what an actual parent does! Never ever leaves them.. Hes missed Mila being able to count in Spanish, being able to tell everyone in cute, being able to sing old McDonald, Roger being able to turn over and move all over, him calling me mama, Natalie learning to read and right her name and other words.. Hes missed it all because why, he probably couldn’t even tell you why, I just know I gave him this last chance to be honest with me and it was my stupid mistake for letting him… I guess the only person who will love him enough is Gary or himself because keys be real only person that Ryan loves most is himself 😞 just sucks that his kids will never know him like they should in these critical years, it might be years before I decide to actually date again but idc my kids are more important to me than needing to be with someone to be happy.. I’m better without him 😞 and move on 👌😪☹😢

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