in no world

Deaf world. Hearing world. Black world. White world. Hispanic world. Blind world. Whatever culture there is, there is none for me. I am stuck in between of the deaf and hearing world. Never fully accepted in either one, or capable of merging with those people. Being hard of hearing is confusing. In the hearing world, it is always superficial. Hi, how are you? Good, and take care. I went to the same church for seven years, and not one personal friendship came out of it. Not one. They all assume I am part of the deaf world, but truthfully, I don’t fit in there either. When I am in the deaf world, it is always bitter. I am too hearing for them, I don’t have that same feelings of deaf power only keeping my circle in the deaf world only. I am open to all. I relate with both, but its never them being able to relate to me. No one understand how lonely it is feeling alone. I know these hard of hearing kids get what I am saying. I know they feel lonely  and lost too. How do we explain that? How do we change that perspective? Do we voice it? Will we just end up with more superficial friends feeling sorry for us? I don’t want your sympathy, but to know who I am too. I am not a shark who will bite you, I am not a vampire to scare you, though you do make me feel that way. I am 37 years old, and still to this day, it has been like that. I have questioned many times is it me? Do I make them feel awkward? Do I say the wrong things? Why do they not invite me to their outings with their friends and children? Why do their children treat my children different?

Most of all, why do they feel that they have to hurt us to make us feel as nobody? When I was locked in that bathroom as a little girl at a football game by hearing girls, when I was bullied by deaf girls because I could speak, is it my fault that I could not make myself to be fit in one? All those questions, there is no answer but assumptions. As I read my daily devotion, it says today, Beware of seeing yourself through other people’s eyes. There are several dangers to this practice. First of all, it is nearly impossible to discern what other actually think of you. Moreover, their view of you are variable: subject to each viewer’s spiritual, emotional, and physical condition. The major problem with letting others define you is that it borders on idolatry. Your concern to please others dampens your desire to please Me, your Creator. It is much more real to see yourself through My eyes. My gaze upon you is steady and sure, untainted by sin. Through My eyes you can see yourself as one who is deeply, eternally loved. Rest in My loving gaze, and you will receive deep Peace. Respond to My Loving Presence by worshiping Me in spirit and in truth.

with that said.. I need to accept that this is God’s gift, plan, and creation he gave me. It does not matter what others think or say, it does not matter being in a fitted world, all it matters in His eyes that I am loved by Him, and he is my WORLD.

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