And it’s all my fault. I pushed her away, and pulled her back, and I didn’t cherish her when I should have. I let my suspicions make me weak, and let my fear push her away. I thought she had me baker acted. it says on the paper she did. I went to the health care facility because I had threatened to kill myself, chickened out, and went voluntarily by police escort. Discharged, I called her, she wanted me to go somewhere overnight, but I didn’t want to be checked in overnight. I yelled at her. I hurt her. I lashed out because I couldn’t behave myself. I couldn’t stop myself from getting nasty. The phone died, and since i was coming ona bus, she had the sherrif’s waiting for me. They took me to a facility under a baker act.
I was searched. I was hurt. I was so angry and so afraid I would lose my freedom. i wanted to hurt her when i got out. I did, by saying everything I shouldn’t have.
I love her so much, but now she has all the power, she knows it, and she will never let me in again. I wouldn’t let me in again. i pushed her too far and didn’t stop myself. I’m to blame. I deserve to be alone.
But god, it hurts.
it hurts so much.
I want to go back in time and fix everything I fucked up but I can’t.
I can’t fix anything.
I’m doomed from my actions, and I still want to die. I’m so afraid to die, but I still want to. Why didn’t I do it earlier? Why did i let it go this far? Considering all the other obligations I have to her? Why would I let it come to this? I can’t live without her. I should have realized that sooner. Nothing I say or do will ever bring her back to me. If I died, she’d move on, and really, I want her to. I just wish it came easier.
Please help me, somebody…