Journey to Imprisonment Again

I understand myself but, then again, I really don’t. Therefore, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m in a state of being where my mind and heart want something but my actions reflect something completely different of what my desires are, as if I were I robot with a conscious mind being controlled by a mad scientist. Yes, I am far from you, the person I love and with whom I have been in a relationship for so long, and distance has never been something I couldn’t handle, but I think that combining this farness with this long elapsed time without you has made me weak and exhausted, being that during this time I’ve been working, fighting, and waiting for this love. I feel drained. So much that even though I know this is wrong, I feel like the need to have someone to give me air, making me believe and give me the sensation that you’re not that far away from me anymore. For this I am sorry my Lela. I am sorry, and I want to stop this martyrdom that me, myself and I are causing… Even though I can easily decide to just stay with you (as it should be), I know that I will find myself looking for that breath of air that I loose from my tiredness caused by the wait of you in this place. I know you already know all of this; I know you’ve heard this from me… but these are the thoughts that rage in my mind, keeping me away from my slumber…. I still want you to know this: I will look for you when I leave this place. I will look for you because I don’t want to keep pretending a false happiness and I want togteher again with my soulmate. I recognize that my only complete and true happiness is by your side… If only you could wait for me. This is all I want from you, and although I know it’s not fair, I know you love me. I love you. I’ve never met anyone as understandable as you. I know you’re waiting for me now, but its frightening to be here every day because I don’t know how much time you will last. I’m hurrying up. I won’t tarry. I will look for you soon Lela…

The purpose of this journal is to keep your hopes alive; to keep showing you that I want to be incarcerated behind your bars. I want to be THE prisoner of your eyes. I want to be back at feeling captured by your small, beautiful and simple hands. I hate this “freedom feeling,” and with my actions I will become the thief of the desires of your heart for you to imprison me again. There, I will be able to be at peace again and you’ll be my prisoner too. Ironic right? I know you understand this perfectly though…

I miss you. I will leave this place soon my love. Just hold on a little more please. We will be prisoners at peace soon again. I will look for you. I will find you.


– Filho de Olhos Verdes

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