Emptiness

I hate coming home to an empty apartment, knowing she’ll never be in it with me again.   I hate going to sleep each night and waking up each morning in an empty bed, knowing she’ll never share it with me again.  I hate going to places we’ve been together, our local haunts, the mall, shopping, even just her side of town, knowing she’ll never be in those places with me again.  I hate driving alone in my car, knowing she’ll never be in my passenger seat again.  I hate knowing that in 6 weeks, she’ll be back home in Illinois, spending time with him, having fun with him, sleeping with him.  I hate everything about this.  Nothing feels the same.  Being out with friends doesn’t feel the same.  Going out to eat doesn’t feel the same.  Watching TV doesn’t feel the same.  It all feels so different.  It all feels so empty.  It all feels so alone.  I was happy before her.  I was seeing multiple people.  I was looking for the one and having fun doing it.  And then I found her, and everything changed.  For the first time in my life, I couldn’t look at another woman.  I couldn’t imagine not being with her for the rest of my life.  I couldn’t remember what it felt like not to have her.  I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.  All of my past relationships, all led to her.  She was perfect.  No one can hold a candle to her.  No one can compare.  And now I’m alone, and wondering how I’ll ever be happy again.  Knowing I found my one, and I can’t have her.  Anyone in the future, will be settling.  Anyone in the future, won’t be as wonderful.  No one will be as good as her.  No one will make me as happy as she did.  And I’m left with these thoughts, that I’ll never be quite as happy again.

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