A few Shades of Grey

50 Shades of Grey? I’ve never read it, and I suppose it’s okay to say the reason is because I think it is trash. Maybe I am a bit jealous too as I’d love to get “proper” published, but that’s by the by.

To-day though has had a fair few shades of grey. This morning was a bit of a toughie; we are trying to do out our kitchen as cheaply as possible, but as nice as possible.

That’s kind of difficult with the heart failure thing.  It wasn’t so much the breathlessness to-day, it was the energy…. also though we are doing things we’ve never done before. I had a go at grouting a few days ago, but to-day we tried to put up something called geo-boards. They are a bit like moulded polysterine, and ours was, yes you guessed it – shades of grey.  They kind of go with the tiles we bought.

I start my new job in a couple of weeks. Only a small job, an hour a day. Nothing really but it is 8 years since I’ve worked. I would prefer to live the dream and write and get something published, but just an hour a day will not stop me from getting out this little lap top from time to time and typing away on it.

The thing is I think for Beloved Husband, is that the heart failure, (wish there was another word for it. Like Heart malfunction or something)  I think right now it seems that all his would like to-s and his dreams have kind of taken a knocking and it looks like at the moment, “I want my life back” has replaced them all. I guess that is a dream in itself really.

Amazingly on the heart matters f.b. page there is very little on there with any sort of celebration of achieving this or that. To me with Beloved working on the ktichen the work he has done is an achievement; we decided to try ourselves than rely on others. To sit back in a few months with a coffee and look, and think ~”well okay, it isn’t perfect, but it’s ours, and we did it” will be nice.

If we are talking dreams when you are the grand old age we are… well okay. The new James Bond film is out and have you seen his new 50 year old girlfriend? I am thinking that she has taken such great care of herself …. It used to be my excuse to myself, being the wrong side of fifty now so it’s okay not to look so brilliant.

It’s a life pathway change really specially for women I think. That we aren’t so fab looking anymore. I long for Beloved to say to me “You look stunning” but he reserves that for twenty somethings who are blonde and usually under size 10.

Like this diagnosis is. It’s a diagnosis for everyone in the family really not just Beloved. For his family; for our grandchildren, for me. It’s like okay you can’t do what you did do. Like the walking and the talking and the chasing the kids around. Not as much anyway.

But really we have to remember there are degrees of this. There is heart failure and there is end stage heart failure and from what I’ve gathered we are far from this. There is talk on the net about the four stages but no one has said which stage; but that’s probably because we haven’t asked. It is in the booklet they gave us though.

“Live life and prosper” (Spock – Startreck)

To explore brave new worlds. I think you have to be brave to venture forward with this but yet again, what choice do we have. Beloved says “I can’t do this”. But he will have to as it’s the cards we’ve been given; yes I know. We chose the cards really strictly speaking. Beloved wouldn’t go to hospital when the pains were bad and so on. That hasn’t helped.  Nor has living with high blood pressure and not doing much about it.

Men! Women tend I think to be more on top of things cos we have to. We don’t mind dosing ourselves up if it will get us to work, see to the kids, come home and clean and cook tea. Cos if we didn’t everything would pile up. Men tend to be maybe well I can’t bother the doctors about things they are busy as it is.

We have to look after ourselves though.

50 shades of grey? – Maybe. Each day the grey comes you know. The badge of old age is supposed to be wisdom. Strictly speaking I’d prefer to say we are just middle aged, I like to think you aren’t old till you are in your seventies, or maybe  you get old when you feel it.

We have to be wise though. Look after your heart….

It beats unconditionally, so we have to love it and take care of it unconditionally…

In case, like Beloved, it decides it has had enough and goes on half time, just to prove a point.

“Live Long and prosper”.

Yes, Spock. Live long and prosper….

Just keep taking the candestartin and all the other tablets in the very large medicine chest we have ….

Live Life…

Beat…beat ….beat….

Beat Heart Failure…. not in our life time probably. But maybe in the future…

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