go back go back, further then that

my mom divorced my dad before i was born. the first time i remember him reentering my life and leaving again i was 4 or 5. he brought pizza a tent and nightgowns for me and my sister. he told us he would be going away for a long long time. at this time we didnt know what prison was and we surely didnt know what murder was. i didnt talk to my dad again for 11 years.


this was reoccurring with him.  ‘awe babies daddy wants to be a part of your life.’ then he would go away or a long period of time.

i later forgave him, to some degree,  for this because had he been a crucial part of my life i think i would have been more messed up then i am now.

he was an alcoholic wife beater who was always in and out of prison.

i spent a great deal of time looking for my dad in other men. until i realized i AM to good to be in an abusive relationship. [yet i still continued to look for him]

the more distant uncaring and detrimental these men were the more i loved them.

like my dad.


im on a search now to figure myself out. my thought patterns, my thoughts. i dont now what makes me tick. in order to have a healthy fulfilled relationship i have to sort this sordid past out regardless how much it hurts to think about it.

the closer people get to me the more likely i am to lash out. in a sick way there is very little comfort in being loved. i want to change this.

4 thoughts on “go back go back, further then that”

  1. Heart goes out to you but I know this is little use. The only person who can change our lives they say is us, and maybe we have to learn to be happy for ourselves too. That we can’t make others happy so we can be happy; it starts with us. It is so sad though that you didn’t have the dad that you crave for…
    I’m not going to say be strong, cos you are. You’ve had to be, for yourself, and for your sister.

  2. Dear Noo Boohoo: I have been where you are (and still am to some extent). My father was not a criminal or physically abusive, but he taught me to feel unworthy and undeserving. He was so good at this that I didn’t even recognize my own psychology until I was in my ’40s.

    I’ve done some work and I’m better now. I won’t drag you through the whole story, but I’ll pass along one tactic that I have used in my journey of reinvention.

    I ask myself, as often as I need to, “How would I do this/say this/handle this/etc if I loved myself?” Or, “How would a woman who loved herself do this/say this/etc?”

    I do NOT answer: Yes, but I’m not that person. That is irrelevant! Just ask the question and see what the answer is. If you can’t imagine an answer, then pick a celebrity or a person from history whom you admire, and ask the question. How would Gwyneth Paltrow, a woman with healthy self esteem, do this? Get this? Handle this? Then in small, small ways, do like you imagine she would.

    It takes practice, but the nice thing about this tactic is that it bypasses a lot of the navel gazing we so often feel we must go through. With this, you don’t necessarily have to “go back, go back further”. You just DO the thing as well as you can, like an assignment.

    Here’s an example. A man gives you a compliment. You — the real you — get flustered and mumble and look at your feet and downplay the compliment. (Yes, I know how that goes. Who, YOU, deserving a compliment??? Ha-ha-ha.)

    Instead, flash on Gwyneth (or whoever works for you) and visualize how she would accept a compliment. She might just smile and say, “Thank you!” like a woman who deserves the compliment and knows it. That’s it. No big analysis.

    If your kitchen is messy, ask yourself, is this how a woman who likes herself keeps her environment, or is this how someone who feels unworthy keeps it? Like she doesn’t deserve things to be clean and shiny. Then take small steps to clean it up. Forget about father and all that, just concentrate on cleaning the kitchen. It will be hard! You will resist doing it because you obviously don’t deserve it. Fill the sink with hot soapy water and wash two dishes. If that’s all you can do, that’s enough. Tomorrow you’ll wash four.

    This has gotten too long. It’s just that your situation is so familiar, and I’m sorry your having to carry this burden that you did nothing to deserve.

    I hope this helps. Good luck to you.

  3. thank you both i appreciate your kind words and advice. we are strong unique and courageous people. there is a reason for everything that happens in life and i keep telling myself [ty lb.] what doesnt kill us only makes us stronger. =)

  4. I can relate so much to what you are saying…I have sunk myself into relationship after relationship where I give them everything that they need, everything that their children need and everything that I want someone to give to me. I provide daily for my family and yet I cannot find the strength to require the same from a man. I am on a journey at the moment to find myself and be at peace with who I am. I am hopeful that this journey will give me the strength and the courage to ask for what I need and set boundaries with the people in my life who keep taking and never give. I hope that you find yourself on your journey as well so that you can be fulfilled in yourself and find what you need in life

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