my mom divorced my dad before i was born. the first time i remember him reentering my life and leaving again i was 4 or 5. he brought pizza a tent and nightgowns for me and my sister. he told us he would be going away for a long long time. at this time we didnt know what prison was and we surely didnt know what murder was. i didnt talk to my dad again for 11 years.
this was reoccurring with him. ‘awe babies daddy wants to be a part of your life.’ then he would go away or a long period of time.
i later forgave him, to some degree, for this because had he been a crucial part of my life i think i would have been more messed up then i am now.
he was an alcoholic wife beater who was always in and out of prison.
i spent a great deal of time looking for my dad in other men. until i realized i AM to good to be in an abusive relationship. [yet i still continued to look for him]
the more distant uncaring and detrimental these men were the more i loved them.
like my dad.
im on a search now to figure myself out. my thought patterns, my thoughts. i dont now what makes me tick. in order to have a healthy fulfilled relationship i have to sort this sordid past out regardless how much it hurts to think about it.
the closer people get to me the more likely i am to lash out. in a sick way there is very little comfort in being loved. i want to change this.