when i was in kindergarten  i got left on a school bus in the middle of winter. i somehow managed to get off the bus shimmy under a fence and walk 4 blocks up a huge hill to my baby sitters house. she lived directly behind the school but i only knew the school bus route which was up the hill and around the block.
this was one of my first memories being/feeling “left behind” or forgotten and abandoned.
recently i realized threw an unfortunate series of events involving me hurting people i care about that the closer people get to me the more i try to push them away. i sabotage relationships. not many have stayed in fact im pretty isolated and alone.
the last person to get caught in my trap is a brilliantly advanced individual who is special and unique. and i treated him terribly. but in this awful moment i woke up and want to become more self aware.
ive never felt i belong in this life. ive always felt distant and like i had no place here.
i feel awful i ruined yet another great [potential] relationship because im to fucked up to realize what i say and do. this individual wasnt the first but hopefully the last.
in our very short time together, he made me want to be a better person.