I have always loved you, and always will love you, but …

My love today marks the day that I let you free and I let you find the happiness you deserve.

 

You deserve an award for making it almost 5 years with a man like me.

We both know I’m not easy to love. I’m a different person, who make jokes in every situation, and you could always count on me to misbehave. I have taken more than my fair share of risks over our years together.

You got dragged into adventures you never signed up for. I realised too late that many of the things i did became nightmare situations for you, because I often act before I can think.

In many ways, my life is like a room full of dynamite… and I sit in that room playing with matches far too often. But hang in there… you were always ready with your charm and classy manners to correct my brash nature and follow me into another venture.

I realize now that even though we had some real success, it took a toll on those I loved and the ones you loved. For that I am truly sorry.

 

You are an AWESOME mother.

Your kindness and love for our children is, perhaps, the single most beautiful thing about you. You will never fully know how much I studied your example in the time we raised these kiddos. You somehow breathe out love and they breathe it in.

 

I want you to be happy. Scratch that I NEED you to be happy.

You deserve to be happy. The pressures of having a good marriage makes having an authentic one a real struggle. Honestly, I’m happy you don’t have to deal with my bullshit anymore. For me, I know this is what I must do with my life, in order for you to have the life you deserve. You deserve a much more peaceful life then what I have given you, you deserve to be with a man that can treat you well and can desire you in ways that you didn’t even know was possible because I was unable to do that for you.


For the record, I would have married you all over again… even if I knew it would end like this.

Yes, we have two amazing kids out of this, but even if there was no Hayden or Matthew… I still would have married you again. I’m a better and different person today because of you. I cannot imagine going through life without you.

 

This is not your fault and you are not to blame. 

Please whatever you do don’t blame yourself. You did not turn me gay… nor were you not enough for me. You also did satisfy me so don’t believe that I was not satisfied with the sex that we had.  I was born this way and have always known in my heart that I am a gay man living a lie by being with you.

Before I met you as you know I was forced to step down from being a leader at the church for youth ministries because people were afraid that I would get too “close” with the kids. At the time I did not know what the church was really going through and why they were so hard on me, so I thought that maybe I shouldn’t be so open about being gay. It also didn’t help that shortly before the church doing this I told a friend in Utah and she after that didn’t want anything to do with me and didn’t want me hanging out with her younger brothers cause she thought I would come onto them. This left me hurt and emotionally drained so I put up a concrete wall and went off to college and tried to completely hide that side of me.

I met you when I came home to visit my family and we had an instant bond, like we were childhood friends rekindling after years of being apart. It was like we had know each other for years, the ease I could talk to you and tell you everything about me just came naturally. Which is why I was able to tell you before we even dated that I was gay, but that didn’t seem to stop you from wanting to be with me. You were the first person I told after putting up the wall, it truly felt great to be able to open up and admit to you everything.  I thought to myself that you could be the one that I could spend my life with as being straight even when I knew I was completely gay, something that I have known since being about 9 years old.

I know it sounds crazy but baby please don’t blame this on yourself, don’t think that you weren’t pretty enough, or that you were too “fat” for me, or any of the other non-sense that I know may be going through your head.

I am to blame because I should of never been so selfish to marry you even though I knew in my heart that I was gay, which is why I have come to this decision and think it would be best for you and your happiness.

 

You can’t get me to stop loving you.

You’re just too good of a person. The one thing that surprised me about you was how easy it was for you to continue to love me with all the things I did. I love you and hope that we can be great friends again I know it may take time but I love you and still would want to talk to you about our kids, life, plans, movies, music, and whatever else like we did before we married and had kids.

 

I’ll always be here to help you in any way you need.

I love that you’re going to school and exploring new avenues for your journey through life. I’m always going to be around in case you need help… because I love you and always will.

 

I’m not stupid. I know a woman like you will not be alone long.

You are too easy to love. And I want you to know that I will be a fan of whomever you choose to love again. I will, no doubt, share embarrassing stories about you with them whenever I can. But that’s to be expected because I can be a real tool!

I guess that sums up most of it. I have thought about this day a lot as it approached. And all I knew was I wanted to end “us” well. Sounds stupid I guess… to want to end our marriage in a “good way.”

It was an honor to be your husband. It will be my privilege to be a close friend the rest of your life.

2 thoughts on “I have always loved you, and always will love you, but …”

  1. The beautifully written unpopular opinion that in truth a good friendship is better than a bad marriage.
    Wish you all the best! Maybe you can keep us updated every once in a while. 😉

Leave a Reply

SCROLL TO TOP