Not keeping score , but he is winning

I try not to keep score . Because if I do, I’m so losing . And I’ve been loosing everyday for the past three months .
We’re okay , not okay but I think in a better place than two weeks ago . But I’m not “okay” with all of this…
I never felt this useless in someone’s life , even though I’m trying , which makes it worse .
I was always people’s priority , seeing me , talking to me , or simply having me as apart of their day . But with him it’s different . Like if I’m an accessory that he doesn’t want or need but it’s there , so he just doesnt throw it away. But he might, if it gets crowded …. or if it bugs him by asking for more attention.
It’s like I add nothing to his days ,and when I do it’s “mood killing vibes” , according to him… And he adds a mix of feeling to my days with and without trying , and not a good mix either .
You know how guys at first try to woow you ? he did that . And I fell for it , although I tried not to , because I honestly didn’t see the point of it… Any way I ended up by falling for it , and when I did , he stopped .
Everything . He stopped everything .
Trying , caring , being in love , he just paused everything and got back to his life . Leaving me standing there with all these feelings and no one to ‘invest them in’ .
He doesn’t really call that much . And texts even less . He doesn’t mind not talking for a whole day . While me I have this non stop desire to always be in touch , not only when im free , I can be busy as much as a person can , but still crave calling him and talking about absolutely nothing . When we don’t talk for a whole day it hurts so much , feeling that he’s mind is not set on me at all, I usually end up worrying if he’s okay , making scenarios in my head… They of course always end up being wrong and he didn’t contact me not because he died but because he ‘got busy’ , went out and lost track of time , stayed in and lost track of time , slept or a million other thing that you could take 10 seconds of them to text … But he doesn’t . Because im not that important.
I can’t help but compare him to the guy I fell in love with , the guy he was a year ago . That guy who was obsessed with me , texting every hour and calling every 20 minutes , that guy who can’t sleep if we fight , not the one who hangs up on me when I cry …
And I know it’s not because now he has a full time job , it’s not because he is busy , because I believe if you want someone you find time , I’m not asking for 9 hours a day , but random minutes here and there to tell me how I’m on his mind , but that’s the thing , I am not . I am not on his mind .
To him I am this “fun” person who takes care , worries and lives to please him . And that’s it . Whenever a conversations gets a bit real he gets mad or hangs up or simply tells me to “stop it” because I’m ruining his mood , so I don’t have the right to complain , to have a heart to heart conversation , to be sad and have him make me feel better for a change . He cant , because he doesnt care that much and because he doesnt have the time . This coming from the guy who a year a go would text me non stop through the night , telling how I’m a good person and how I’m beautiful inside out whenever he feels that I’m having one of my “episodes”.
I wont get that guy back , I get that . He changed and he wont be the same and it’s useless for me to hope he’d see me again the same way he did before , because he wont .
And I know what I should do , my friends keep telling me what I should do , I keep telling my self what I know I should do… But saying and doing are two very different things …

And I fell so hard for the guy he was a year ago , that now walking away from the guy he became is too hard to do.

3 thoughts on “Not keeping score , but he is winning”

  1. You guys have been together for a year now? Do you live together?
    You’re 22 years old. You’re still so young and have a lot to experience. My best advice is to live your life. Hang out with friends, spend time on your hobby, work on what makes you happy. If you want to give this guy more of your precious time, then just make sure he doesn’t consume you.
    It’s hard to leave a relationship. It’s hard to accept that things aren’t working out. You need to know your self worth and if you deserve this guy or something better.

  2. I was going to say something but the comment above me pretty much said it all especially the last part .
    I have been reading your journal (at least the publicentries) for a while now and I think I get what you feel . This guy made you feel so good that now you can’t walk away from him even though he stopped making you feel that way a long time ago . I would say cut him off your life completely but I know you wont do that so at least try to not make your world revolve around him , you are good green eyesgirl and you always give helpful advices to others here and I wish if you could advice your own self the same way you do to others .

  3. we all deserve that
    the guy who calls and texts and in his top busy days always finds time for us
    you are not a toy he plays with when he finds time and you’r only reason is to amuse him
    this guy means a lot to you but he needs to change asap or you need to walk away guilt free

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