I try not to keep score . Because if I do, I’m so losing . And I’ve been loosing everyday for the past three months .
We’re okay , not okay but I think in a better place than two weeks ago . But I’m not “okay” with all of this…
I never felt this useless in someone’s life , even though I’m trying , which makes it worse .
I was always people’s priority , seeing me , talking to me , or simply having me as apart of their day . But with him it’s different . Like if I’m an accessory that he doesn’t want or need but it’s there , so he just doesnt throw it away. But he might, if it gets crowded …. or if it bugs him by asking for more attention.
It’s like I add nothing to his days ,and when I do it’s “mood killing vibes” , according to him… And he adds a mix of feeling to my days with and without trying , and not a good mix either .
You know how guys at first try to woow you ? he did that . And I fell for it , although I tried not to , because I honestly didn’t see the point of it… Any way I ended up by falling for it , and when I did , he stopped .
Everything . He stopped everything .
Trying , caring , being in love , he just paused everything and got back to his life . Leaving me standing there with all these feelings and no one to ‘invest them in’ .
He doesn’t really call that much . And texts even less . He doesn’t mind not talking for a whole day . While me I have this non stop desire to always be in touch , not only when im free , I can be busy as much as a person can , but still crave calling him and talking about absolutely nothing . When we don’t talk for a whole day it hurts so much , feeling that he’s mind is not set on me at all, I usually end up worrying if he’s okay , making scenarios in my head… They of course always end up being wrong and he didn’t contact me not because he died but because he ‘got busy’ , went out and lost track of time , stayed in and lost track of time , slept or a million other thing that you could take 10 seconds of them to text … But he doesn’t . Because im not that important.
I can’t help but compare him to the guy I fell in love with , the guy he was a year ago . That guy who was obsessed with me , texting every hour and calling every 20 minutes , that guy who can’t sleep if we fight , not the one who hangs up on me when I cry …
And I know it’s not because now he has a full time job , it’s not because he is busy , because I believe if you want someone you find time , I’m not asking for 9 hours a day , but random minutes here and there to tell me how I’m on his mind , but that’s the thing , I am not . I am not on his mind .
To him I am this “fun” person who takes care , worries and lives to please him . And that’s it . Whenever a conversations gets a bit real he gets mad or hangs up or simply tells me to “stop it” because I’m ruining his mood , so I don’t have the right to complain , to have a heart to heart conversation , to be sad and have him make me feel better for a change . He cant , because he doesnt care that much and because he doesnt have the time . This coming from the guy who a year a go would text me non stop through the night , telling how I’m a good person and how I’m beautiful inside out whenever he feels that I’m having one of my “episodes”.
I wont get that guy back , I get that . He changed and he wont be the same and it’s useless for me to hope he’d see me again the same way he did before , because he wont .
And I know what I should do , my friends keep telling me what I should do , I keep telling my self what I know I should do… But saying and doing are two very different things …
And I fell so hard for the guy he was a year ago , that now walking away from the guy he became is too hard to do.