Hi, my name is Kerry. A young aspiring photographer from Scotland. A few months ago, I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder andDepression.
Depression. The D word that no one cares about unless they have it, and the word that no one ever wants to talk about. People seem to think that depression is constantly wanting to kill yourself, i’m here to say that is no where near true. Depression is a feeling, an unknown feeling, it makes you do and say some crazy shit. Depression and Social Anxiety gives me the feeling of sadness, of not wanting to get out of bed in the morning sickened by the fact I have to face people, having the constant fear that I am transparent to anyone and everyone who is around me, that they know my secrets, my insecurities.
I don’t talk about it often, not to friends, family or even my long-term boyfriend. It’s hard for others to understand, especially if they haven’t been through it. I’ve been through a lot in my short 19 years on this earth, that some wouldn’t even believe. After a long, hard, think to myself I have come to the conclusion that many things that have accrued during my early teen years have a big impact on my life to this day. Let me explain..
As a young teenager I was a very confident person, I was outgoing, loud and would give anyone the time of day. Six long years later I am nothing like that person. If anything I am the complete opposite.
I have been used more times than I could even count. At the age of 15, I lost my virginity to someone who I believed to be my best friend. We had been for years. We had always had something there, we had just never acted on it until this night. Everything changed. Afterwards, I had told a friend of mine when returning to school the following Monday. Within two hours everyone knew. I was so humiliated at the fact that me losing my virginity was the talk of our year. What made this even more embarrassing was the fact that he denied it. To everyone. Including me. He tried to manipulate me into saying that I was too drunk and nothing happened. I am a very responsible person when it comes to drinking, I don’t forget much let alone make things up. He made me out to be a liar, which hurt a lot. But what hurt me even more than that, was the fact that I felt like I wasn’t good enough. Was he embarrassed? Am I not good enough? Am I too fat, ugly? All of these feelings are carried with me through every day life. I still sit back and wonder.. why? Why would he do this? This fucked up situation brought out a lot of insecurities of mine. Too this day, we don’t speak. After all those years of being best friends, the sleepovers, the arguments, the laughs all meant nothing to this boy. He got what he wanted, and left.
This is where it all began. Even though it has taken four years for others to tear me down and break me piece by piece. I am finally broken. And I honestly have no idea how I am going to beat this, but I will eventually. I hope having this blog I will be able to air out my feelings without being a burden on my loved ones lives, hopefully I will be able to bring some closure to myself and possibly others.
Until another day,