I don’t even know anymore

So I was surprised when she called me Thursday night to talk, and then again on Friday night.  Then I didn’t hear from her all weekend.  We had briefly talked about meeting up for lunch today.  I figured she’d forget, or just blow it off.  Then she texted me last night to let me know her plans for the day to plan around it, then again today to let me know when she’s free.  I went over, and she asked me to jumpstart her car.  While I was working under the hood, she sat there texting her new guy.  She didn’t stop with the phone for the rest of the day.  We went to lunch, and finally got the chance to talk.  The first time we were able to sit down and talk to each other since the breakup.  It wasn’t as painful as I thought.  We talked about us a little.  That she misses some of it.  We talked about our weekend plans for Halloween and I asked if I could see her daughter or if she would spend the holiday with me doing something.  She said she didn’t want to do anything with dressing up.  We talked about him and how she’s still planning a trip to see her new man to figure out if they’re going to actually pursue anything or if this was all just for nothing.  Either way she’ll sleep with him while she’s there, I know that.  We went back to her place and she called a friend.  I sat down and gave her a long foot massage while she talked.  Then I helped her with her homework and we went on our separate ways.  She texted me multiple times through the night out of the blue.  Fun joking texts about her class.  She said she decided that she wants to go work out with me this weekend.  We never worked out together (or separately) while we were dating, but since the breakup I’ve hit the gym hard and have already had massive results in the past 4 weeks that she noticed.  She said she doens’t know about Halloween but she’ll let me know.  Then she asked me what my costume was.  I told her Jack Sparrow.  She goes, “I have a pirate costume.  I can wear that.  But if I’m dressing up, I really wanted to go as Harley Quinn since Ellie is going as Batgirl.”  Then she asked me to buy a Joker costume so I would match them.  We had a debate on whether I should get a Batman or a Joker costume, and in the end, her opinion won, I ordered the costume overnight, on the maybe she had given me for Halloween.  Then I asked her to go get a drink with me Friday night and she said yes, the first answer that wasn’t a maybe since we broke up.

I talked to some friends about it, and they said I was just walking into heart break.  Then I read an article about breakups that hit close to home.  I went to the gym and tried to workout but I was too distracted to focus.  It was 1 am, I was alone.  I ended up sitting there, staring at myself in the mirror for what seemed like hours.  And then I cried.  I sat there alone in the gym, and cried.  Her making plans with me doesn’t mean anything.  She had moved on before we were even apart.  She had months to get over me while cultivating her new relationship before I had even found out.  It’s still new to me.  She’s not dealing with the loneliness that I am because she had me replaced before she got rid of me.  I am just a friend to her now.  The same as all her other ex’s she wants to stay friends with, I’m no different.  Just a platonic weekend together, fighting my inner urge to take her in my arms and kiss her the way I used to.  I think it will be my last.  I made the plans.  I don’t want to cancel.  I have one more gift I had ordered online that will be here next week.  And then I’m through.  I don’t want to keep doing this.  I’ve already sacrificed so much.  I’ve already sabotaged new attempts to meet new people.  I’m sick of looking at her and wanting to die.  The most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, who once was mine, and now is so close yet out of reach.

One thought on “I don’t even know anymore”

  1. I don’t want to be rude in any way, but I’ve walked through this already, and being a woman or whatever you want to call me lol. I think she’s keeping you around because she’s not sure what she’s going to do, I mean reading this here, sounds like that. I’ll be honest, when I broke up with my ex, I still wanted to talk to him, only because I missed him in some areas, he brightened up my day, but there are things that still tick me off. He was my back up, when I felt unsure or lonely he was always there. To this day, we don’t hate each other, we talk like normal friends would. But you know, at the end of the day, your going to sit by yourself and wonder, “what am I doing?”. Exactly what I’m doing right now, I’m wallowing in my pity when there are great opportunities to meet someone, a friend, go have a few laughs, talk to a random stranger, read a book. Me, as an out-going person, always say to myself “there is more to life than being serious all time” or being stuck in a pit, I’m sitting here listening to sad music at work, because no one understands me, and I just want to sit back and see what happens to people around me, not wanting to care, but deep down I do, because I desire to see people happy or to encourage someone. So you have a choice my friend, be stuck where you are, let your ex keep you where you are, hoping that you’ll get the chance, which maybe there won’t be a chance.. Or you can keep her at a distance, and try to live life to the fullest, remember we got one. As for me, I met someone great after my break up, and me feeling sad here, is not going to get me anywhere, but dig myself a little deeper. Mind you, I’m only 28, and I have been through a lot! Sometimes I feel as if I’m 40 or something lol. Smile, todays a new day, its your turn and also mine. Focus on you. Good luck to you :).

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