Entry 01

There’s so much on my mind tonight.

 

I feel as if the weight of the world is coming down on me in waves. I can’t keep my emotions in check, and i just feel like crying until there is no more tears left to fall down on me.

I’m a veteran with PTSD and I use that as my excuse to why I am the way I am. Suicidal, Depressed, Terrible husband, and a horrible human being. I ruined another man’s marriage out of spite, out of vengeful spite. I crushed the lives of another woman, and her two children as a way to get back at my wife, and the husband. The most fucked up part is they are likely the LEAST affected by it all. No i ruined this poor womans thought of happiness. her image of happiness, and for what?

WHAT THE FUCK did I do that for. What kind of fucked up horrible person am I.

I go to talk to my wife tonight, the one who is leaving me because i’m a fucked up horrible human being. I tell her this without thought about the fight that ignited this seperation. The fight that I look back on as her beating me, because I guess I checked out and I cant remember kicking her at all, I remember chocking her but in the briefest of spurts after being hit on….But she had a sore throat for days after, fingerprints on her throat……What the fuck did I do? Thats an honest question I cant remember enough of that night and that scares me.

She says that I would have killed her, that it felt like i would have killed her if it had not been for my oldest son stopping me yelling at me…Would I have? I dont know. God I dont know. I’m seeking help now. I was before but only for medication. now its for medication a true diagnosis, and counseling for figuring my shit out. I dont know if it will ever be enough. I’m a fucked up broken person. The most fucked up part Is im not even sure of everything wrong with me. I need that clarity but who knows if i’ll ever get it.

I think she’s done with me though. She’s said it before and been pretty adament about it. This time is different though. This time feels like 6 months ago, but this time she has others in her life now. I wont get the benefit of the doubt again. I wont be there if she feels weak or lonely again. She’ll reach out to someone else next time.

She’s done with me…..As she should be.

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