Lower than before

Earlier this week my ex and I made plans to go out for Halloween together.  I originally just wanted to come trick-or-treating with her and her daughter, but since the dad was around I couldn’t.  She didn’t wanna do anything special, no costumes or anything, until she started asking what costume I have.  She asked me what I had, and I told her a Jack Sparrow costume.  She lit up and said, “I have a pirate costume!  But if I was gonna dress up, I really wanted to be Harley Quinn.  You should go get a Joker costume so we’ll match!”  So I did.  I ordered a costume, and then she asked me what I wanted to go do.  So I went online and found the Haunted Hotel Ball at a nearby resort.  So I bought some VIP tickets, and booked a hotel room so we can crash after we drink without having to worry about driving.

She told me on the day of, that she wasn’t feeling good, and that she had been throwing up all day.  She said she wouldn’t leave me hanging, but if I can, she’d really rather stay home if I can find someone else to go with.  I told her I had already dropped $600 on our night out, to which she got upset since we’re not together anymore, why am I spending that kind of money on her?  I told her I didn’t want to take anyone else, because I woudln’t want to spend that kind of money on anyone else.  She told me to pick her up at 930.

I got to her house, and boy she looked amazing.  She decided to go with Poison Ivy, and she looked great.  I picked her up and we headed over to the hotel.  I thought she’d say something about the fact that I got a room, but she asked me “Are we staying the night?” and I said yes.  We got there and took a ton of pictures.  She wanted to make sure she looked good.  I helped her put the finishing touches on her costume, and we headed out.

The party was tons of fun.  We started getting drunk.  She started dancing with me.  Towards the end of the night, with liquid courage in my veins.  I grabbed her and kissed her.  She kissed me back deeply while simultaneously pushing me away.  I held on tight, and she kept kissing me.  We met with some other people staying in the hotel afterwards and ended up hanging out with them until later in the night.  We went to the pool, and hung out in their room.  Then we headed down to our room.

We got into bed and I immediately started kissing her.  She let me, but resisted anything else.  I persisted, and she changed her mind.  We fooled around for an hour or so before we fell asleep.  This morning we woke up, and we went at it 2 more times.  I felt like we were back to the way we were again.  We had a great night, a great morning.  She kept saying this is wrong, being that she’s talking to someone else now, but she’s single now and so am I, so I insisted she was doing nothing wrong.  It was wonderful.  I love this girl so much.

We checked out and started heading out to get breakfast.  She decided that her other man needed a phone call, after some of the hurtful things he had said to her the night before.  They fought for 30 minutes on the phone.  He was berating her costume, telling her it was too slutty and she shouldn’t be going out showing off her ass to everyone.  She didn’t tell him she had gone out with me, or that I was sitting right there.  I said something and she shushed me, she didn’t want him to know.  They fought for awhile, and then she finally hung up on him.  I pointed out that she left me for a guy that she was already having problems with, who is borderline verbally abusive, after what I heard him say to her on the phone.  I also pointed out that while he contacted me to share what they had been doing, so we’d break up, I held my tongue and didn’t shout to him while he was on the phone so he’d know what we did the previous night and that morning.  I could have torn them apart.  I don’t know if she’d ever forgive me for that.  She forgave him, and left me when he did it.  We ate our breakfast, and then I went home.

Last night was amazing.  After a month of being miserable without her, I got a taste of her again.  One night where it was almost like we were back together again.  Now I’m home alone, we’re back to being just friends.  And I feel worse than I’ve felt over the past week.  It had started getting better, but now I’m feeling alone and depressed again.  I wish I had her back.  I wish I knew that I could be with her again.  She said she doesn’t know what she wants to do.  She said it’s not a no, us being together again in the future.  She still needs to decide what she wants to do with him, and then she doesn’t know what she’d want to do with me.  I don’t know how to deal with this.  I want to go to the gym right now and try to feel better, but my late night sessions alone in the gym are depressing.  And I’m too hungover to get a good workout in anyway.  I feel so alone.  I hate being so sad.  I hate wanting something so much and it’s the one thing you just can’t have.  That prize goes to the man who tells her she’s a slut, and a bitch.  That prize goes to the man who isn’t even with her yet, and he’s causing her pain.  And she won’t do anything about it.

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