#1- The Beginning

Hello new journal. You seem pretty user friendly. That’s good, because I’m so technologically challenged it’s not funny. I’m 25 and it’s made my life a bit difficult.

Who am I? My name is Hannah. Sometimes I like to be called Grace, but that is not a part of my legal name. I’m one of those people who get tagged with nicknames with each new group of friends. I’m 5’4″, blonde hair and green eyes. Right now I’m fat but I’m losing an average of 10lbs a month. Thanks for the new treadmill, mom! I’ve often been described as pretty, but I really am uncomfortable with that assessment. I tend to go through a shift of 50 lbs +\- a year. This is a weight loss year. Last year I got down to 110 lbs but shot way up to 215 because I had some issues, so put it lightly.

Likes and dislikes? I like animals. Horses specifically. I have two cats, Gabriele and Elisabeth. I like making things with my hands. I dabble in leathercraft and paper making, tanning and wood carving. I am currently in the middle of making some antler buttons for a pair of sheepskin lined boots I recently invested in. I am embarking on making some rabbit fur liners for my winter boots. Somehow, it’s already November and it’s not done yet!

What’s my life like right now? I work at a dog daycare/boarding place most afternoons. I’m in the middle of seeking a horse to lease this winter. I live with my parents because I recently broke up with a boyfriend (more on that later. What a mess.) I am awaiting results for a psych evaluation so I can get back on medication and be able to function at a minimum required by society. I don’t have friends yet, despite being back in the town I grew up in.

I have been officially assessed as an INFP. (I put this here so I can remember)

What’s my personality like? If I don’t feel it, I’m not going to fake it. I can be vindictive and passive aggressive. I have a habit of hurting people or being mean to fill my own void. I’m very often just ‘neutral’. It’s rare for me to laugh, I don’t smile often. I don’t like physical contact. I have ADHD and a mild OCD. I like to control things, I like to be alone. You could describe me as cold and prickly.

On the flip side, I have an incredible capacity for caregiving, intuition and perception. I secretly love to laugh. I struggle with the fact that at my core, I’m a good person. I’m kind, forgiving and a beautiful human being. I can at least admit this, but I’m not at a stage where I can accept it. I’ll be there someday.

I speak more through body language than actual words. I get along better with animals than humans. Things are obvious and less complicated. It just feels like a natural thing to do. I don’t talk much, but I express myself 110% better through writing.

I was adopted. I had a shitty foster home, and I got bounced around a lot. My biological family wasn’t much better. In summary, I was neglected and abused. The only thing from that experience that has remained into adulthood is a pretty hefty attachment disorder. I’ve already had years of therapy, so it doesn’t hang heavy on my shoulders anymore. I have memories of being left alone a lot, and being scared. Sometimes I’d stay with families who wanted to adopt me. I was adopted at age 4- pretty lucky. But I had that attachment issue and my parents weren’t prepared. So until I was 12, I didn’t interact with any of my peers outside of school. We had 30 acres and I spent most of my time out in the woods with my dog, the neighbors dairy herd or by the Monocacy River.

Even now, I have some major trust issues and I’m coming to terms with the fact that 50% of my issues are maladaptive behaviors and 50% not my fault.

Though I do realize that bad shit happens to people. It could certainly be worse. There is way worse, but my struggle is my own. I’m incredibly lucky to have what I do have. I’m thankful for it.


I’ll probably put a part 2 in tomorrow. That’s enough for now.

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