So I’m yet to truly work this thing out. I’ve been putting this thought in it’s box for over a few days now. I’ve been able to keep busy especially over the weekend and try not to think about it except at nights I’m back to not getting to sleep. Why do I get this feeling that I need this control over myself?? Here’s some of what’s going around in my head right now..
- Feeling like the next pregnancy test could be negative again and it makes me feel down
- Feeling like I’d rather not bother trying because I’m scared of failing
- Feeling helpless that my friend is going through hell and I can’t do anything to fix it. I absolutely, more than anything, hate seeing her so sad, miserable, heartbroken and scared. It makes me really angry that God is putting her through this, it’s beyond unfair – she doesn’t deserve this
- Feeling worried that I’m not going to get everything done at work that I need to or that it’s not going to be done well enough
- Feeling generally overwhelmed, emotional, tired and putting on a brave face to hide it
- Managing anger by shutting out with my IPod on (seems to be my go to in the last week), de-cluttering and cleaning.
- Feeling like I don’t know what to turn to to satisfy it and so if I just did it then it would go away
When I feel like I do now, I just want to cry. To get it all out.
I get these lyrics:
From the darkness of the ocean
There’s a wind that comes your way
When a hurricane is blowing
And there’s nothing you can say
The world may turn against you
But life will take its course
Like the storm that pours upon you
And hides none of its force
I wanna hear your name
But you can get no answers
And you feel no pain
And the strangest felling
It’s coming around again
Blowing in like thunder
And it’s coming low
You gotta keep your head down
And take it blow by blow
Thats what it feels like. I’m trying to push through and survive this storm.