There you are; Here I am.

There you are, writing about reasons to keep existing, and here I am…writing about you. Though, I don’t know what I’ll call this. Maybe it’s a journal entry, maybe it’s a blog, maybe it’ll be a book, maybe it’s a plead. 

You told me tonight about your past plans to murder yourself this upcoming New Years Eve. I haven’t been able to breathe since. You’ve always been a boomerang to me; striking me down when I least expect it. The thought of you not existing anymore..it’s more than devastating…it’s down right mortifying. 

I will always remember the first time I saw you.  It’s etched into my mind as if it’s a picture that I’ve stared at for years. You were holding your sweet daughter in a way that I was almost sure she’d come tumbling out of your arms and I was entranced by your flawless blonde hair, bracey smile, and soulful blue eyes. 

I listened to your laugh; a sound I would do anything to hear right now. I watched you sing the church songs and let my mind get lost in how heavenly I was sure your voice sounded singing them. You had my heart right from the get go. If only I had been better at receiving yours. 

Timing is everything. I only wish I could reroute ours. You are my biggest mistake; and also my most ardent love.  Tonight, like most nights, I wish I could be holding you, running my fingers through your hair and assuring you that everything is going to be alright. More than that, I wish it would be enough. I want to embrace you in a way that makes all your worries and hurts, if only for a moment, perish. 

I want you to be able to break with me and entrust that I will be there to help you reconstruct those pieces as you see fit.  I want you to trust my shoulders to be strong when yours need a break. I want my hands to be your salvation. I want to be your because reason. 

Be that as it may, I understand that our time has come and our time has long passed. What I have broken I can not restore. You simply can not sew that of which you have turned to dust.

Your mere existence is my soul’s lifeline. For selfish reasons, I hope you continue to flourish.

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