Can’t figure out what I am feeling

Wake up this morning to a great email from my Sailor, always a wonderful way to wake up.  Two emails up?  From my lawyer telling me my ex is taking me to court about child support.  Yes, I did submit to have child support looked at because we are covering the girls in health insurance which I feel should lower what I owe.  Instead it gets tossed out, ex says its not about the money.  Great, I semi believe it will drop.  Nope, today I get paperwork showing he wants to raise it $207 a month!  I can not, will not pay this amount.  One, I have a job that pays less now so that I can work a schedule to see the girls as we agreed to and to afford the trips plus purchase the clothing the girls need he does not purchase.  Also with this increase I will not be able to afford to see them and purchase the items they need like I was before.  He is basically taking away my ability to see the girls.  How can he need this 571 a month when he makes over 5k a month?!?  I had no issue with the 365, yes lower would have helped greatly to improve our ability to pay our debts here, get the house in order to sell AND the trips.  Now, it will be almost impossible to do all the trips!  I have to have faith in my lawyer that she will work with the court system to see that this is a crazy increase!  I hope she can, I don’t know what I can do.  I am unsure how I feel because I can’t really talk to anyone about it, I don’t need to talk to someone who would get upset and in turn that would upset me more, I need to vent it out and be hugged and only one person will make that all better and he is serving his country proudly under the sea.  That brings up another point…I believe EVERY TIME something court related minus once my Sailor is out to sea.  Does my ex do this because he knows I am at my weakest?  *crinkles nose* I hate being at my weakest, I haven’t learned how to fix that stand stronger without my Sailor.  I have pulled from my “reserve” of my Sailor but in these situations it isn’t enough, I NEED the real deal.  I can’t tell him too much because well he can’t do anything and that would stress him out, and he has enough stress right now.  I don’t withhold things, the last time he was out I told him that my lawyer had information my ex was doing something with his lawyer but we weren’t sure what yet.  This, is money related and money is a stress in general let alone when I am not working now, we are getting ready to take a trip that will cost money and we are putting it all on credit.  Plus I owe for child support, we are getting the house in order to sell which costs money!  So, I hide in my house.  I don’t know who I can let in anymore, too many “leaks” have been seen.  I know “it could be worse” well you are right, but this is my personal life, my situation my moment.  I don’t want to think about it could be worse, I would break again and breaking again makes me wonder will I make it out again?  As we sit here now, I don’t know if I am losing my mind, if I want to start doing something to my skin so I feel pain since I am not feeling anything right now.  Feeling pain – physical pain – is better than this numb feeling.  I think I might be fighting the thoughts back that in this court case it will limit my time with the girls, and that limits what I am trying to rebuild.  Even as I type that, I hear my heart/mind I don’t know say “careful, don’t think too deep on that one”.  Will tears help?  Maybe, but that means going places in my head/heart that hurts and that I don’t understand completely yet, and maybe I don’t want to?  So, today I will type here, paint cabinets, try to see what my situation is, hear back from my lawyer hopefully by tomorrow and go from there.  Should I go find a professional to talk to?  Probably – can we afford it?  I don’t know how much it costs, I should research that.  I feel bad because I will be canceling on my friend with twins tonight, because I just can’t push past this today, back burning it, to help someone else.  I love helping others, its a great feeling knowing I have helped someone in some way but today I have to say no I am sorry I can’t do that, I need to hide in my house.  I hope she will understand, but I also won’t tell her the whole picture.

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