Entry 10

Entry 10 – 4/11/15

21:20 – in my room

I’m crying so bad it hurts my lungs. Everyone thinks I’m trying to mess everything up but they don’t understand I’m the one who is really messed up right now. I feel bad. I always want to cry. My head constantly hurts. I want to sleep. Work is not even 5th on my list. But my family doesn’t get it. They think…I don’t even know what they think. But they hate me right now. My yells on me at the slightest thing. Today, she yelled because I wanted to stay outside. What she doesn’t understand is that I’m a grown girl. If I want to stand outside, and have some fresh air, I CAN STAND OUTSIDE. So she stated yelling at me because of that and I said I was a grown girl and I knew I could catch a cold and that’s exactly why I wore a huge hat and scarf. And then my brother came in, told me I had done enough to make this night awful for everyone and that I should just ‘shut my fucking mouth’. And then mother didn’t say anything. If I had said that, I would already be lying dead on the floor. But I always knew my mother had a preference for B. And then he left. And I looked at my mom and told her it was unfair that he could just talk to me like that when I had done nothing. And she said I asked for it. And I’ve never hated everything so much before. I just wanted to break every single piece of furniture in the house. But I didn’t I smiled and said goodnight and came running to my room. And cried. And now I’m here. The problem is not what just happened, it’s the fact that none of these people understand what’s happening to me. I AM NOT FEELING WELL. And I don’t mean that in a me-centered kind of way. I just need to talk it out. To stop this. Cause I can’t take it anymore.

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