Chronic Malcontent

Just when I think I am getting what I want, my brain decides that it isn’t quite what I wanted after all. This seems to be a theme throughout my life. My son’s father – I pushed for marriage and then when he agreed I was suddenly desperate to leave the relationship. My current boyfriend (my daughter’s father) – I love him to death…I even refer to him as my true addiction which is sadly accurate. I wanted to be with him so badly and now that he is making changes and truly committed to staying and my landlord approved his application I am restless and I feel smothered. I’m not sure what I am afraid of, but it would be nice to just be happy and content with what I have. I prayed for God’s will when we turned in the application and I suppose that means this is it. But it isn’t what I thought it would be so now I am adjusting…hopefully better than I think I am…he is being sweet and considerate and helpful and in return he gets irritation, frustration and a lack of faith in him and the changes he’s made. Lucky him huh? He isn’t perfect but neither am I. In some ways, I deserve better but then I ask myself what do I think he deserves? Why doesn’t he deserve all the best in life and love? I have been good to him and so now why would I be this way when he is committed to me?

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