Entry 3

He drives me crazy. From the outside im sure it looks like our relationship is rotally unhealthy. It wasnt always this way. Just happens every so often.

I’m sorry for posting anything. Sorry for thinking the picture was funny. Sorry for trying to help with the phone bill. Sorry everything I do is wrong. If I wake him up its wrong. If I let him sleep it’s wrong. If I spend money it’s wrong. If I don’t spend money it’s wrong. If I pay a bill its wrong. If I don’t pay the bills it’s wrong. If I want to get married, I’m forcing things. If I let it go, I’m doubting him. Same thing applies to everything: a baby, a family, a house, a life. I’m either forcing him or doubting him. What should I do? What will make him happy? Because apparently I don’t know how to do that anymore.

My sisters pregnant. Both of them are. My cousin is too. My older sister it’s easy to be happy for. She’s married and has a 2 year old son. She’s has infertility problems for years. My younger sister… I’m happy for her. It’s what she’s been wanting. That said, a year ago she was with a different guy. She hadn’t even met her baby’s father yet. Whereas I’d already been with my boyfriend, but if I had gotten pregnant everyone would be pissed. Same thing with marriage. She’s getting married. I said months ago that I wanted to get married and my family told me what a terrible idea it was. As for my cousin, well her older daughters father is nowhere to be found and she has no clue who fathered her current pregnancy. It blows my mind that my family supports them and has their backs yet is so quick to turn on me if I were to do any of that.

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