I Wonder What Comes After

Sometimes I wonder what really happens after we die.  I’m not a religious person.  I was raised Jewish, but it’s more by blood than anything.  Jews don’t have a hell.  Our afterlife isn’t what you’d picture “heaven” to be.  But sometimes I wonder.  I know most likely, your brain dies, your conscious ceases to exist, and that’s it.  Your mind doesn’t go elsewhere.  It’s like a dreamless sleep you never wake from.  You’re just….over.  It’s hard to imagine that all your thoughts and accomplishments and feelings just vanish as if they were never there.  The only person who knows what’s going on in your head, the things you think, the dreams you dream, the fantasies you imagine, the ideas you have, and the perceptions you perceive…is you.  And if you’re gone, then there’s no one there to have those thoughts and dreams and perceptions anymore.  They just cease to exist.

It’s that unknowing that keeps me here.  It’s the knowing I’m here for my dogs.  Not wanting to hurt my family with my departure.  Not wanting her to know I did it because I lost her, and that if it makes her want me back and regret what she did, that I’m not here to take advantage of her wanting me back anymore.  Life isn’t a video game.  There are no do-overs.  There is no reset button.  You don’t have more lives.  You can’t take it back.  The way I’ve felt these past few weeks, shouldn’t be emotions we are capable of feeling.  They shouldn’t be in the human repertoire.  I shouldn’t have to feel this way. It’s been 5 weeks.  It feels like forever.  I’ve never felt this horrible after losing someone before.  I really do feel like my life is over, as cliche as that must sound.  I used to be happy, before I met her.  I was happy being single, meeting new people, going on dates, having fun.  But that was before I met her.  The girl who changed me.  I’ve had my heartbreaks.  I’ve had my disappointments.  But never anything like this.  I feel like I’ve lost a part of my soul, if I have one.  If I knew I wouldn’t hurt the people around me, if I knew what comes next, if I knew there wasn’t some hell I’d go to for breaking some rule, if I knew I would just cease to exist, and would just stop feeling this way and never have to feel this again, I would.  I would end it all.  I want to.  I really do.  I just can’t bring myself to.  I don’t think I ever would.  But if there is a god, he knows I want to.

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