I have fucked up in many a way

Feel free to add any comments, in fact please do it’s nice to hear other peoples thoughts and stuff.

Currently I can hear what seems like hundreds of fireworks outside my window, but I can’t see ANY of them, I waited up all of Bonfire Night to see them but couldn’t, that night I chose not to go out with my friends or ‘significant other’ (who I deeply regret getting with might I add) because I was feeling sad.  I don’t know why I started this ‘journal’ with that but now I can’t stop feeling like this, it’s been days.

I always tell people ‘everything happens for a reason’ and give them ‘great advice’ that I never follow but how can I when it’s so fucking untrue, every decision I make I end up regretting it to the point of which it’s all I think about and it fills me with an empty sick feeling that won’t go away.

Some time earlier this year I was feeling fucked up.  Like, really really badly.  I slept with my best friends brother, and there are SO many reasons why I did this, she found out, of course she did, right when my life was becoming impossibly happy I come home to a message from her, it destroyed me and all the happiness I had been building up over the last weeks coming up to it fell apart.

I told her in a panic so many reasons why I did it.  Might as well list them

  • I felt disgusting.  I hadn’t eaten in days and wanted someone to make me feel pretty.  He did just that.  Since I’ve put the weight on drastically but I think I want to get back to the way I looked back then.
  • I kind of was in love with her, I knew the feelings would never be reciprocated and so I wanted to literally fuck away my feelings, and he was the first available option.  I know how messed up that sounds, believe me I think about it every day.
  • I thought I would die a virgin, I was so sure that there was something wrong with me and so I wanted to take any chance I could.
  • I was really, really lonely.
  • I wanted to figure out what my sexuality was, so I used him, I never got to apologise and I’m pretty sure he, like his sister hates me now.

So there you have it.  I fucked up big time and that’s only one of the examples.

Everyone tells me it’s not such a big deal, it seems as though the only ones who give a shit is my ex best friend and me.  I won’t  forgive myself any time soon.

Oh, another thing, I tried to commit suicide twice this year, both failed, obviously.

I fell so deeply into a pit of sadness and I couldn’t get out.  I tried once to slit my wrists, still unsure to how it didn’t work but I’m alive still.  Second time was with pills, only 20 or so but I was so sure I would die.  I was looking forward to it so much.

I’m saying all of this because I need something to do and writing daily or occasionally and I need to start with a bit of a back story, pretty shit one but a back story none the less.

‘Everything gets worse’

Now this is a quote I can relate to.  I keep pulling myself further into total shit.  I got a girlfriend recently.  I think I’m going to have to break up with her because no matter what, all I can think of is fucking other people and running and never stopping, I don’t know I think that guy i fucked really messed me up, though it’s not fair on me to blame him, I didn’t really want to have sex with him in the end but I acted like I was 100% into it when really I was in the negative numbers, I was scared as shit but all my friends encouraged me.

The same friends who told his sister, my best friend.  Correction: Ex best friend.

I have looped back to this whole sex this worry aha, I just don’t think I can get over it and that’s really silly.

I cried for at least 3 days when she found out, on and off constantly.  I was a mess.

I wonder if ANYONE at all is going to read this.  I wonder if anyone does, if I know them, if they know EXACTLY who I am.

If so I think I’ve gotten past the point of caring, I’m so cold and tired and out of it all the time it wouldn’t affect me for more than half an hour.


One thought on “I have fucked up in many a way”

  1. I know it must be really hard for you, but Im happy to know that I’m not the only person who is having a bad time. I hope things get well 🙂 I would love to talk to you if you want! Have a nice day.

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