Feel free to add any comments, in fact please do it’s nice to hear other peoples thoughts and stuff.
Currently I can hear what seems like hundreds of fireworks outside my window, but I can’t see ANY of them, I waited up all of Bonfire Night to see them but couldn’t, that night I chose not to go out with my friends or ‘significant other’ (who I deeply regret getting with might I add) because I was feeling sad. I don’t know why I started this ‘journal’ with that but now I can’t stop feeling like this, it’s been days.
I always tell people ‘everything happens for a reason’ and give them ‘great advice’ that I never follow but how can I when it’s so fucking untrue, every decision I make I end up regretting it to the point of which it’s all I think about and it fills me with an empty sick feeling that won’t go away.
Some time earlier this year I was feeling fucked up. Like, really really badly. I slept with my best friends brother, and there are SO many reasons why I did this, she found out, of course she did, right when my life was becoming impossibly happy I come home to a message from her, it destroyed me and all the happiness I had been building up over the last weeks coming up to it fell apart.
I told her in a panic so many reasons why I did it. Might as well list them
- I felt disgusting. I hadn’t eaten in days and wanted someone to make me feel pretty. He did just that. Since I’ve put the weight on drastically but I think I want to get back to the way I looked back then.
- I kind of was in love with her, I knew the feelings would never be reciprocated and so I wanted to literally fuck away my feelings, and he was the first available option. I know how messed up that sounds, believe me I think about it every day.
- I thought I would die a virgin, I was so sure that there was something wrong with me and so I wanted to take any chance I could.
- I was really, really lonely.
- I wanted to figure out what my sexuality was, so I used him, I never got to apologise and I’m pretty sure he, like his sister hates me now.
So there you have it. I fucked up big time and that’s only one of the examples.
Everyone tells me it’s not such a big deal, it seems as though the only ones who give a shit is my ex best friend and me. I won’t forgive myself any time soon.
Oh, another thing, I tried to commit suicide twice this year, both failed, obviously.
I fell so deeply into a pit of sadness and I couldn’t get out. I tried once to slit my wrists, still unsure to how it didn’t work but I’m alive still. Second time was with pills, only 20 or so but I was so sure I would die. I was looking forward to it so much.
I’m saying all of this because I need something to do and writing daily or occasionally and I need to start with a bit of a back story, pretty shit one but a back story none the less.
‘Everything gets worse’
Now this is a quote I can relate to. I keep pulling myself further into total shit. I got a girlfriend recently. I think I’m going to have to break up with her because no matter what, all I can think of is fucking other people and running and never stopping, I don’t know I think that guy i fucked really messed me up, though it’s not fair on me to blame him, I didn’t really want to have sex with him in the end but I acted like I was 100% into it when really I was in the negative numbers, I was scared as shit but all my friends encouraged me.
The same friends who told his sister, my best friend. Correction: Ex best friend.
I have looped back to this whole sex this worry aha, I just don’t think I can get over it and that’s really silly.
I cried for at least 3 days when she found out, on and off constantly. I was a mess.
I wonder if ANYONE at all is going to read this. I wonder if anyone does, if I know them, if they know EXACTLY who I am.
If so I think I’ve gotten past the point of caring, I’m so cold and tired and out of it all the time it wouldn’t affect me for more than half an hour.