Where I’m at in life

I’m alone in my parents house. Today has been the first day in almost 2 weeks that I’ve gotten up and done something with my life. I did laundry and I started packing my ex’s stuff to ship out.

I moved back to UT so I can take care of my dad because he was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer. The left part of his body is paralyzed so I helped him move around, eat, take his medication, shower, use the restroom, everything that we do everyday. Life was good I even had found someone that was with me for a while supporting me and being there for me.  But I’m alone now at my parents house because my mom quit her job and decided to move to mexico to my brothers property.  Leaving the house to me but I don’t have a job because I was at home all day taking care of my dad. I don’t know what I’m going to do with the house or where I want to go from here so I broke up with my ex because I felt like I was holding him back from what he wanted to do. There is just to much uncertainty in my life.

Not knowing what to do with myself I turned to drugs, something I knew would help me clear my head or at least help me not worry about anything. But now I have cleared my head and now I still have all these things to worry about and I haven’t done anything about it. Luckily I don’t have an addictive personality so I can stop as I choose but I will always have the urge to want to do drugs because they are addicting and they make everything go away. They are fun at times but I am not letting them be a part of my life. At least until I figure out what to do and I’m back on my feet. I don’t ever want to do drugs again but I know the urge will win one day again.

So today has been the first step to a new beginning. Tomorrow I’ll have to do it again. I need to find out how to file bankruptcy, I need to figure out where I want to live and where I want to work. I need to finish shiping my ex’s stuff to him. I’ve got a small project to scan my family photos so I won’t have to carry them around and so everyone can have access to them.

Some of the things on my mind right now are that my ex is not coming back, he is seeing someone else already, my mom and dad aren’t coming back and that was probably the last time I’ll ever see my dad so I’ll want to call him up soon before I no longer even have that option, I’m afraid to start over, I’ve lost so many friends and now family.

This year has been a lot on me. I started off the year by breaking up with my ex of 5yrs because he was cheatin on me even after I tried an open relationship with him he was still dating other people and one day I wasn’t even aloud back into our home so I packed up some clothes and left everything behind with him.

Then I found out my dad had to get brain surgery for a tumor just to find out it’s more than that. It is brain cancer and the chemotherapy hasn’t helped him.

My sister and brother won’t ever talk to me again because I’m gay.

I’ve lost all motivation, meaning, hope. I don’t know what to do with myself because I don’t know what I want in life. I’m holding onto a thin rope just because suicide is selfish. I know I can start over and get back up on my feet but I’m tired of doing all that for not.

5 thoughts on “Where I’m at in life”

  1. I’m sorry to hear about all the negativity in your life, but look at the positives. Sure, this may be a bump in the road, but trust me, with every road taken that’s been damaged, there will be construction to fix it and get you back on your feet again. So don’t give up hope, keep on!

  2. dont give up im not sure if ur religious but ur in my prayer times are hard now but its not the end things will get better its up to u to change it maybe sell the house do what u gotta do to find ur happiness hop3fully u stay away from the drugs thats going to lead u into a hole but stay strong praying for u N ur dad

  3. Hey! I know it must be really hard for you, but you gotta be strong.
    Think about your possibilities and choose the best, tell your dad everything you want him to know, so there will be no regrets. You said your ex is with another person and so can you be! Try to go out to meet new people, or even an relationship site. You were born in LA, my biggest dream is to live there and I’m sure it must have a lot of opportunities…. Try to apply for new jobs, go to church if you are religious…. Things will get better 🙂

  4. There is hope for you. If drugs is what you turn to, there are people out there who can help you figure out how to cope without them. I know you said you don’t have an addictive personality, but then you said that the urge will win again one day. It doesn’t have to. I am recently clean off drugs and have gotten involved in NA. You don’t have to be a hard core user or addict to find support and acceptance and guidance in the meetings. Just a suggestion…I hope things get better for you. Choose one thing that you need to do to move forward each day and do it…if you do that at least you are participating in your own life 🙂

  5. Thank you all for your comments. I’ll try and make it to church this weekend. Been thinking about NA but most places are hard to get to for me. I just told the people I knew that I did not want to be involved in that and hopefully that would also get them to stop. Have been moving around and even applied for work just need to keep it up.

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