I’m alone in my parents house. Today has been the first day in almost 2 weeks that I’ve gotten up and done something with my life. I did laundry and I started packing my ex’s stuff to ship out.
I moved back to UT so I can take care of my dad because he was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer. The left part of his body is paralyzed so I helped him move around, eat, take his medication, shower, use the restroom, everything that we do everyday. Life was good I even had found someone that was with me for a while supporting me and being there for me. But I’m alone now at my parents house because my mom quit her job and decided to move to mexico to my brothers property. Leaving the house to me but I don’t have a job because I was at home all day taking care of my dad. I don’t know what I’m going to do with the house or where I want to go from here so I broke up with my ex because I felt like I was holding him back from what he wanted to do. There is just to much uncertainty in my life.
Not knowing what to do with myself I turned to drugs, something I knew would help me clear my head or at least help me not worry about anything. But now I have cleared my head and now I still have all these things to worry about and I haven’t done anything about it. Luckily I don’t have an addictive personality so I can stop as I choose but I will always have the urge to want to do drugs because they are addicting and they make everything go away. They are fun at times but I am not letting them be a part of my life. At least until I figure out what to do and I’m back on my feet. I don’t ever want to do drugs again but I know the urge will win one day again.
So today has been the first step to a new beginning. Tomorrow I’ll have to do it again. I need to find out how to file bankruptcy, I need to figure out where I want to live and where I want to work. I need to finish shiping my ex’s stuff to him. I’ve got a small project to scan my family photos so I won’t have to carry them around and so everyone can have access to them.
Some of the things on my mind right now are that my ex is not coming back, he is seeing someone else already, my mom and dad aren’t coming back and that was probably the last time I’ll ever see my dad so I’ll want to call him up soon before I no longer even have that option, I’m afraid to start over, I’ve lost so many friends and now family.
This year has been a lot on me. I started off the year by breaking up with my ex of 5yrs because he was cheatin on me even after I tried an open relationship with him he was still dating other people and one day I wasn’t even aloud back into our home so I packed up some clothes and left everything behind with him.
Then I found out my dad had to get brain surgery for a tumor just to find out it’s more than that. It is brain cancer and the chemotherapy hasn’t helped him.
My sister and brother won’t ever talk to me again because I’m gay.
I’ve lost all motivation, meaning, hope. I don’t know what to do with myself because I don’t know what I want in life. I’m holding onto a thin rope just because suicide is selfish. I know I can start over and get back up on my feet but I’m tired of doing all that for not.