Self Image

This is my first ever online entry so please bare with me. I decided to do online journaling because as I was writing in my notebook I became aware that other people maybe experiencing the same feelings as me.  As a result I decided it would be nice to share those feelings with people.

One of the main things I have discovered I need to work on is my own personal self image. I don’t mean my physical appearance because I have learned to love myself even though I am not a size 2. I mean my emotional self image. I definitely feel as if I give myself away to men entirely too quickly. I don’t really mean to it just kind of happens naturally. I feel as if maybe I am this way because of the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. The situation led me to only see my body as a sex object at a very young age, thus resulting in my lack of respect for my own body. I often feel as if I’m not really worth anything but sex to a man. Like I said before I am an overweight female. I do find myself beautiful and I have amazing friends that tell me I am beautiful but I often get discouraged shopping or watching TV because I do not look like the rest of females. I often times feel as if no man would be interested in being in a long term relationship with me, or post pictures of me due to fear of what others might say.

I also find myself having sexual attraction to men but it is hard for me to become emotionally attached to a man. I don’t really remember the last time I was “in love” with someone. The last person I can think of was my ex boyfriend Dallas. We ended things over 2 years ago for numerous reasons and I still don’t think I’ve loved anyone since him. I often find myself wishing I still had that relationship but deep inside I am aware that we are completely different people than we were 2 years ago. I know the chances of being with Dallas are very slim but I cant help but wonder, will I ever fall in love again? One of the reasons I believe I haven’t found love is my lack of trust. A man can say all the right things to me and I will still push him away and search for reasons why he may be lying to me. How do I know if someone is being genuine? Finding the answer to that question is something I struggle with. I often push away the good guys and let the bad guys in. My judgment has been proved horrible and I am trying to learn to improve it.

And now I question do other people struggle with these same topics or is it just me? I would love to know and I would love feedback.

– Brandi




2 thoughts on “Self Image”

  1. I struggle everyday with trusting other people after breaking up with my bf of 5 years for lying to me the whole time we were together. Even when you think you know someone you really don’t know them. I can assure you though that there are genuine people out there and it may seem hard for a while (time is different for everyone) but someone will come along eventually that loves you for who you are. What I did was just did me, did the things I like and made sure that I was happy. A lot has to do with the way you look at yourself, confidence. My friend who is a girl tells me that she also needs sex and I understand that so if you have people you can use to get you by as long as you both know that it’s strictly sex and you both respect each other during that time and your comfortable with that. Hope some of this helps. Keep your chin up. We’re all beautiful and everyone has someone out there for them.

  2. Thank you so much for your comment! I really appreciate your feedback and its nice to know others have the same trust issues as me.

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