This is my first ever online entry so please bare with me. I decided to do online journaling because as I was writing in my notebook I became aware that other people maybe experiencing the same feelings as me. As a result I decided it would be nice to share those feelings with people.
One of the main things I have discovered I need to work on is my own personal self image. I don’t mean my physical appearance because I have learned to love myself even though I am not a size 2. I mean my emotional self image. I definitely feel as if I give myself away to men entirely too quickly. I don’t really mean to it just kind of happens naturally. I feel as if maybe I am this way because of the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. The situation led me to only see my body as a sex object at a very young age, thus resulting in my lack of respect for my own body. I often feel as if I’m not really worth anything but sex to a man. Like I said before I am an overweight female. I do find myself beautiful and I have amazing friends that tell me I am beautiful but I often get discouraged shopping or watching TV because I do not look like the rest of females. I often times feel as if no man would be interested in being in a long term relationship with me, or post pictures of me due to fear of what others might say.
I also find myself having sexual attraction to men but it is hard for me to become emotionally attached to a man. I don’t really remember the last time I was “in love” with someone. The last person I can think of was my ex boyfriend Dallas. We ended things over 2 years ago for numerous reasons and I still don’t think I’ve loved anyone since him. I often find myself wishing I still had that relationship but deep inside I am aware that we are completely different people than we were 2 years ago. I know the chances of being with Dallas are very slim but I cant help but wonder, will I ever fall in love again? One of the reasons I believe I haven’t found love is my lack of trust. A man can say all the right things to me and I will still push him away and search for reasons why he may be lying to me. How do I know if someone is being genuine? Finding the answer to that question is something I struggle with. I often push away the good guys and let the bad guys in. My judgment has been proved horrible and I am trying to learn to improve it.
And now I question do other people struggle with these same topics or is it just me? I would love to know and I would love feedback.