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Crumbling

Up, wide awake and can not fall back to sleep. Lately I feel like my faith in myself is being tested. On the outside I look put together and fine but on the inside I’m crumbling into pieces. Seems like no matter what I do or the harder I try things just don’t go right. This is the time year that life is supposed to be fun and full of joy but instead I’m dreading every second of this upcoming holiday season. Those that know me, know that the holidays are generally my favorite time of the year. This year it’s just different and confusing. Even my relationship with my son is different. It as if we both are struggling and trying to make sense of this chapter in our lives.

Yesterday while at work I received a phone call from Binks music teacher explaining to me his behavior in class. It seems that he feels he does not need to listen in his class or participate. The teacher told me in that the last time we had this issue and when I talked to him he did much better but the behavior has gone back to where it was. The funny thing is that when I speak to his actual teacher she is surprised by this behavior because he has never acted that way in her class. I knew that the evening was going to be another discussion with Binks about appropriate behavior even in a class you don’t care for. As I was driving to pick Binks up from Boys & Girls club I get a call from the director of the club stating they were having some major issues with Binks and needed me to come immediately. When I arrived I went into the directors office and found the office completely trashed due to my son. Filled with utter embarrassment I held back tears and looked at Binks and told him to get up and pick up that room. As he was doing that the director told me that he started throwing things in his area, hitting another child, tearing things off the walls and then biting the staff member in charge of that area. As a parent we are faced with different things with our kids but when you hear your child hits or bites someone especially at his age it’s kind of a shock. The end result for Binks is he is suspended for three days from the Boys & Girls Club.

The car ride home was silent. When we got home Binks ran to his video games and I immediately stopped him and took the whole system out of his room. He screamed and cried but there has to be consequences to his behavior. After settling down from that I was able to talk to him. In our discussion he expressed that he gets mad and when he gets mad he can’t stop. He said people were asking him questions and he didn’t want to answer them but they wouldn’t stop. When I finally got the questions they were asking out of him, it felt like a ton of bricks came tumbling down on my heart. They were asking him about His dad. A subject that he never expressed to me he was hurting over. He just always seemed okay with the situation we were dealt with and though I asked him a ton of times he would always say he was okay. My son for the first time since the split between his dad and I fell into a million pieces on my lap. He sobbed that he wanted dad here, he misses him and wants us back together. He told me he would be better if we came back together and I had to reassure him that none of this was his fault. When I asked him why he never told me he was hurting and he said because he didn’t want to see me cry. Such an emotional day for both of us and a realization that we both need some counseling. I believe because this split was so sudden and out of left field it took us both off guard. Now that we settled a bit I think the reality has hit us that things will never be the same. The quote today was a realization that it’s okay to let your world crumble and not feel like you have to keep it together for the visualizing of others because old life has to fall apart in order to start rebuilding the new.

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