I’ve been dating a boy for about a year and half now. I fell in love with him within the frame of a month. He was my rebound from the last boy I had dated. Though my last boyfriend was hardly one. He lived far away.. unfeasibly away and honestly I think I was just settling because I didn’t think I deserved anything more. We never met.The distance was convenient for me. You see, I’ve always been of the larger variety. Honestly,I don’t know the full extent of it. Sometimes I feel like it’s not so bad, sometimes I feel like it’s horrible. Back in those days,It was always horrible. I pretended to be someone I wasn’t online. I was sexy, skinny, funny, confident, seductive..all of that. I never thought that any of those traits could transfer into real life. I just looked at myself and saw something entirely undesirable. At times, I hardly even felt feminine.. just a big amorphous blob of flesh that hopefully everyone would ignore. I guess I felt as though I was “cat-fishing” and to be honest, I still think I was. I did use my own pictures…My own face but I didn’t show my body a majority of the time.
With that being said, I dated this boy for about a year before I met him. I was scared. Scared of losing him once he found out my size. I never would’ve guessed in a million years he would like me. I put off meeting him dozens of times. I always had an excuse. I never intended to meet with him. In fact, toward December of last year, I began making plans to leave him so I could avoid following through. The illusion needed to end and I was tired of pretending. When I tried to, he was so sad. He started to cry and said he loved me. I felt so much warmth. I wanted and needed him. Thinking about it now brings me to tears. I felt so wanted. He had become so clingy and needy and even though at the time I found it somewhat bothersome, I loved it. I felt validated. We remained together. But inevitably, he would get tired of waiting.
In February, he began to distance himself. He went out with his friends more. He went out to clubs. I could feel him slipping away from me. I could feel the all-consuming loneliness creep up on me. I had gotten so used to having him around at all times, I had forgotten how it felt to be alone. It felt like my heart was breaking…. like a limb was forcibly being removed from me. I was sad all the time. I cried constantly. I waited for him like a sick puppy, waiting for its master to come home.. but when he did, he left soon after. One night, I confronted him. Why are you being distant? Whats wrong?… He told me. He just didn’t feel love for me as much anymore. He told me he had been flirting with other girls. I cried. He cried.
From that moment forth, It was an uphill battle. We must’ve broken up and gotten back together at least a dozen times. I couldn’t get over what had happened. I just didn’t know why.. to this day I don’t know why. He doesn’t even know why… I feel so insecure over it. What if it happens again? What can I do to prevent it? What if I feel that pain.. that pain that lasted until August of me wondering and wondering and feeling like I’m possibly losing this person that I had fallen so deeply in love with. I feel like he has the upperhand now. I’m wrapped around his finger.I don’t want to leave him. I want to be here for him through everything…. but every move I make feels like it could break us. I wish I could feel fully secure in every way like I had been before. I could feel like he wouldn’t leave me… but I don’t… and it consumes me. Sayings like, “once a cheater, always a cheater” echo in my head and I can’t shake them.
In September, we finally met up. I was on the brink of ending it between us. I didn’t want to keep leading him on in this way and I wanted to be truly loved by someone. I didn’t know if he loved me. I still remember meeting him in Florida. I drove out an hour and a half to meet with him and his mother.I trembled the entire way. My heart was racing. I would finally see if my feelings were real. If what we had felt was real. I sat paralyzed in my car as he pulled up.
I remember the awkward smile he gave me. The awkward hug. The relief I felt when he didn’t recoil washed over me. The warmth of the human contact I had been depriving myself of for years and years finally here in the form of a long, warm embrace. It was so bizarre. So surreal. In that moment, I didn’t hate myself anymore because he saw something in me I had never seen.
I had my first kiss with him when we got into my car. He laughed because it was obvious I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. He said I was adorable. He teased me the whole way back to my mother’s. He wasn’t tall or overly large like I had pictured men before, but it was oddly comforting to have him closer to my size. It wasn’t intimidating. It felt like we were on the same plane. We’ve seen each other 2 times since then. We skype everyday and fall asleep with one another everyday. I would’ve never thought that I could have this with anyone.
It’s odd to think that now I feel discontent toward him. I expect for him to make me feel wanted and beautiful and loved. This isn’t his responsibility. He can’t make me love myself. I realize this now. I know he loves me. He’s here, isn’t he? Are my wants even feasible? I doubt there is any guy who would make me feel entirely secure. Who would romance me everyday? Make me feel wanted forever? Does every relationship eventually lull into a dull boredom?
I’ve been struggling since February. I want to feel like he needs me.I want to possess him. I want to feel passion and jealousy and heat that we had previously shared. But as it is now, I’m the only one who is jealous. He’s 100% secure because he knows that I love him so much. He has a lot of female friends online and I can’t shake the feeling that this could lead to something more. I keep thinking he’ll find a girl who’s funnier, prettier, skinnier.. and I’ll be left alone again. I’ll be left with these feelings of sadness because I truly love this boy. He says they mean nothing.. but can I honestly believe that? Maybe its because I don’t understand.
The larger scope of friends I had accumulated in the beginning of last year has dissipated. I’ve focused in on him entirely. I’ve wanted to dedicate every part of my soul to him. I don’t feel the need to pursue other boys for companionship. I’ve asked him to cut down on his female friends.. but of course this isn’t a request anyone wants to hear and I berate myself for even asking. Logically I know that, if he cheats on me, he isn’t worth being with anyway.. If he can’t control himself… I just feel like this is the beginning of me losing him all over again.. and I can’t deal with this again… I can’t.
I won’t pull through the next time. The next time he pulls away it is over. It is done. I am gone. I can’t be with this doubt and insecurity anymore. It’s weighing me down. I know my jealousy is somewhat ridiculous..but it all honesty, can you blame me? After everything that had happened? We never resolved it. We never really found out why.
The question is, what’s my next step? Should I build up a life for myself again? Find new boys to hang out with…. feign disinterest? slip away again to feel his need? Shift the power in our relationship back to me? Will I ever feel his need again? Does he even want me anymore or is it just words? I don’t know… I’m just waiting. I wish I cared less.