I had a thought the other day that terrified me.  I was just sitting there at work when all of a sudden I realized that there’s nothing after death.  We die and that’s the end.  There is no heaven, no hell.  It’s just empty.  Not even a void we fall into; we simply cease to exist once we die.  It hit me like a ton bricks.  I felt my core freeze up from this thought.

This thought especially scared me since I’ve toyed with the idea of suicide before.  However, I used to think that when I died, I’d just live in my thoughts forever.  I could live out all the dreams and fantasies I had going on up in my mind and never have to face the harsh light of reality.  It’s been just over seven years since I attempted suicide.  I took some pills, but got scared after a few minutes and threw them up.  I was scared that maybe I was wrong about death and there was nothing after, but I soon forgot about that fear until now.

But it’s not a fear.  To me, it’s a fact.  There is nothing after we die.  It’s not a statement to scare though either; it’s knowledge to help you live better.  There’s that stupid “YOLO” thing.  I still think that saying is dumb, but its message is not wrong.  We do only live once.  This life I’m in is my only chance to be what I want, to have what I want, to do what I want.

I guess now I just need to figure out what that is and try to achieve it.

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